Don't Mind Criticism

If it is untrue, disregard it
If it is unfair, keep from irritation
If it is ignorant, smile
If it is justified, learn from it

Invitation Only

If you made it here, then you realize I went private. Urgh.

The funny thing is, now I have to admit that I might have an audience! No worries. I really don't have anything to hide. What I don't want is to stress about offending or having my words used against me. Read away, as long as you understand that this is a selfish endeavor. I blog for me and later, so my kids can understand me a bit better. Do comment. Just don''t be mean. Please. I like a good controversy. I like to be challenged. I even love to be convicted. I am a bit too sensitive for my own good though.

I am happy to invite anyone you know that I've left out or someone you think might be interested in following my insanity! And thank-you, each of you, for being so encouraging!!

Going Private

I am considering going private on this blog. (I think I can do that, right?)

I started blogging simply because I wanted to get my kids pictures displayed with my thoughts, and I had absolutely no time to scrapbook. My piles of mementos were becoming rather overwhelming and blogging cured that anxiety.

Then I liked the sort of journal I could create for all my many passions, my own personal notebook. I didn't expect anyone I knew would read it (a little naive to the world of blogging), so I was very sincere and made myself exceptionally vulnerable.

At some point, I realized people were dropping by, even clients. I tried to ignore the audience as I wrote, reminding myself that I am a person of face value and if I offend you in my blog, then potentially I am not the midwife for you. An occasional comment would come. Those were fun. I continued to type into oblivion.

Along the way, I did in fact offend people and received a few hostile comments. Most always it was a post someone assumed was directed solely at them but instead the post referenced a combination of events that the reader assumed they alone were completely responsible for. I had great remorse for not taking the time to be more detail-minded while writing to avoid offending, but the fact of the matter is that I knew what I meant. The post was for my own relief and I hadn't the need to dwell on the details. It was the epiphany I wanted to document.

Most recently I was reminded once again how taking the personal connection out of communicating can create such a disconnect that we can make monsters of ourselves. An Indiana mother recently lost her son, apparently due to a hypoplastic left heart, but because he was circumcised and died at some point following the procedure, a group of intact advocates used her story to preach their platform. As I understand, the women received hate mail on her own blog, pointing a finger at her for causing her precious child's death. I can empathize with an absolute broken heart.

As well, another fabulous blogger shared that she was annoyed by music widgets that popped up automatically when visiting various blogs. She felt it was a bit inconsiderate of bloggers to require the reader to listen to their chosen music and pointed out various reasons a widget such as this was particularly inconvenient for the reader.

I commented. I found the post funny, only because I have such widget. I love it. Her post reminded me that blogging, to me, is personal. I do it for me. I do it without any concern for my audience. I don't blog to share a message. I don't blog to attract an audience. However, I don't care if you stop by.

Unfortunately when I later stopped back in to read the on-going comments, I was offended. Greatly. She questioned the appropriateness of my music (and she would be correct to some degree) and my sincerity in stating I was genuine. Once again, the issue stirred in my head for days. I realized that knowing this very kind hearted woman, she must have been offended by my comment to respond as she did. Thinking back on my attempt to light-heartedly demonstrate that while many blogs are designed for an audience, complete with advertisements and facebook buttons, mine is more personal.

If you stop by my house, you are likely to find music playing. My dogs will be running through the house. You may even smell essential oils in the air. This is my house and how I like it. If I invite you over for dinner, I'll be mindful of your preferences. The same is true of my blog.

Most awkward, is that I've realized area midwives who apparently feel there is too much competition, have taken to using the events of my son's death as I've shared them here to equate poor judgement on my behalf as a midwife. Potential clients have Googled my name and found my blog among the higher ratings; therefore, reading to their heart's content and determining without further introduction if I am an experienced enough midwife for their birth.

Spitefully, clients with outstanding debt receiving persistent invoices from me that don't want to follow through on their end of the bargain, follow my blog and leave their own flavorful comments. I can't help but dwell on the injustice of these scenarios and while logically I know that these are Satan's attacks, my heart takes a bit more coaxing to find peace.

I am once again facing the consequences of my nativity. The truth is, not everyone has such good intentions. These situations simply aren't worth the joy I find in blogging. And it's no wonder I become even more anti-social as I age...

Fickle Judgment

I have been judged a great deal in my life. I tend to be very uninhibited, genuine, and well, driven places others would never dare to go. Many admire my brave nature when it proves successful and others mock and belittle when I fall on my face. I think what really pokes holes in my confidence is not the finger pointing, but the judgment that is so shallow and harsh that I simply can't wrap my brain around the fact that any human being would behave in such a way. It causes me to second-guess myself and assume I've missed some major segment in reality that would justify their behavior.

I mean hypothetically speaking, what if a co-worker talked you into singing karaoke at the company picnic and helps you pick out your song, your outfit, fixes your hair and make-up, sits on the front row and tells you the entire way that she did it last year and it was the best experience of her life. Then when you get up there, your drummer is hung over and can't keep a beat, the microphone keeps picking up feedback and throwing off your pitch, and the words on the karaoke prompter are too small to read so you can't follow the lyrics. Tomatoes are thrown. Everyone laughs at you for weeks and your friend that supported you entirely, joins in the fun and is too embarrassed to even be associated with you.

After a few months the dust starts to settle at work. Eventually you both get new jobs in entirely different companies and you rarely cross paths. Then more than five years later you hear through an acquaintance that your past friend shared at her new job when asked about you, "She is very unprofessional. Several years ago she stood up in front of all our professional peers wearing black leather pants, a push-up bra and sang the most vulgar version of Madonna-karaoke, getting completely laughed off the stage. Plus our boss told her directly not to get up on that stage or she'd be fired and she did it anyway! She deserved what she got."

I suppose the part of me that seeks validation from my peers and associates, that very shallow human-side that fails to find contentment in the Lord's lap, assumes that clearly I must not have the appropriate perception of reality because how could anyone come to the same conclusion as this fickle "friend" and not trip over the log in their eye?

I can say that while I am not maturing in that aspect of my walk with the Lord as I'd like, I am becoming the wisest owl of letting the Lord deal with the injustices in my life. I am learning over and over and over that those who I often perceive will be strong allies are often the most fickle and those that I tend to initially look past, are often those who the Lord has molded for me to walk with on His journey. If nothing else, the patience in waiting for His redemption is good for this 'ol midwife!

Canadian Craziness

Although the breech conference was fabulous, I have to share some of the craziness we experienced in Canada. This was Mike's first trip out of the country, so that was neat for us to experience together. When we arrived at our Bed & Breakfast however, we were denied entry because we had a newborn. I had reserved a suite with a two-person hot tub directly in our room, but the owners feared a crying baby would ruin the experience of all their other patrons. It was late and we were in another country searching for a place to stay without reservations. Alas, we spent $300 at the Holiday Inn for one night.

The next morning Mike "thought he would let me sleep in," so I was quite upset with him when I woke up late for the first day's presentation and had to miss the full breakfast offered with our very expensive hotel stay. He then received a parking ticket after dropping me off at the conference center. We had already doubled our car rental fee because I rented the car, but Mike was the primary driver, in addition to the car seat rental and car insurance because apparently our own insurance won't cover us out of the country.

We walked to Chinatown for lunch, which was not unlike Chinatown in any other big city. Same food. Same souveniers. Unfortunately on our return back, I was becoming increasingly disappointed because Mike was still so flustered by the drama we had encounted thus far, he was barely speaking to me. I had visioned this relaxing, sweet get-away with my husband, allowing us to reconnect, but I was quickly realizing Mike was not going to snap out of his introverted ways. This is his coping mechanism.

In the midst of my pout, I began texting the kids to check on them. Unfortunately, not paying enough attention, my shoe fell into a cut-out in the side walk and I plummeted forward, face first into the cement. I didn't even have an opportunity to raise my arms and catch my fall. My cell phone flew. I felt excruciating pain in my knee, but the worse part was that the momentum of my fall had thrown my shirt clear up to my chest. Yes, my fat bag of skin that had previously been used to carry my five children was now flailing in broad daylight in Chinatown. Mike was so gracious to say afterwards, "Yeah, your entire belly was hanging out. I didn't know what to do."

Many people ran to assist me, those sweet Canadians. I wanted to jump up and pretend nothing had happened, cover my belly up, but I was genuinely crippled up for a few minutes as I regained my breath and prayed I hadn't smashed my knee. One man asked if I needed an ambulance. I imagined him yelling, "Fat American Woman Down! Call Ambulance!" Worse though, was the two ladies that walked over to see if I needed help and then saw my name tag, "Penny Lane SPEAKER." They commented, "Oh, she's from the breech conference and a speaker!" Humiliating. I could have just returned home at that moment and crawled in bed.

Thanks to a friend at the conference we found a cheaper stay the second and third night. We checked in after the first day's presentation had ended and then headed to search for a sweater. I had inadvertently left my only sweater at a birth the morning just prior to our plane departure and thought I would just pick another one up, as opposed to lugging my huge winter coat around in Canada. Mike needed a pair of pants because Simon had peed on him as we left that morning as well. In the parking garage as Mike was getting Simon out of his car seat and I positioned my sling preparing to carry him on my chest, a very nice man walked by and said, "Boy or Girl?" I was a little thrown off and then said, "Boy." He said, "Really? You are carrying so high."

Nice. He thought I was pregnant. I said, "Oh no. I am postpartum. We had a boy." He was genuinely devastated. He even drove back by and apologized again. My fault. I am fat. He was being very kind. What bothered me though, was that I feared my husband heard it. He didn't say anything at first, so I just prayed he was oblivious and then as we walked up to the mall doors he said, "Well, I am sure he is embarrassed." Cringe. He heard. I am so sorry I am not more fit and proportioned for my husband and while the question embarrassed me, I felt shame for my husband. I sure wish he had more awareness though, and could just say, "Sorry, hun."

I had reserved a city tour on an amphibian bus which I thought we would both love. Mike would get the thrill of riding in an amphibian automobile and I'd enjoy the beauty of Canada, but when we called to confirm our reservations (paid reservations) they stated they weren't open during the hours our tickets were purchased for. I called the booking agency and they said they would give us a traveling gift certificate for a portion of what I had spent. Nope. Not good enough. A talk with the manager was successful in getting our money returned, but Mike and I realized we were probably safest if we just stayed in the hotel for the evening.

We were well aware that our "luck" wasn't going well in Canada, so thought we would splurge and have a nice meal in our room with a movie. Mike called the fancy restaurant below for a steak and shrimp dinner and two margaritas. I had never had a margarita before so was quite excited to have my first taste. The restaurant said they couldn't bring us drinks though because they didn't have glasses. We asked if we could provide our own and they reluctantly agreed. I was actually a bit surprised with my first taste and just gave Mike a peculiar, "Hum? Not quite what I thought it would taste like.' Then Mike agreed, "They put sugar on the rim instead of salt!" Our steak was pink and not well done, but near rare. Not edible for us. A great disappointment. $50 meal that went straight into the trash. We ended up walking to a convenience store for junk food, which is what we brought home to the kids as souveniers too.

We did find the people of Canada to be over overwhelmingly kind. We were thrilled with their green perspective - recycling bins are everywhere. We had bins in our hotels and not just one bin, but every tiny thing is recycled. We found a new doughnut store...can't remember the name now...Tiny Tims?...but it was fabulous and apparently quite popular in Canada. We were again reminded how spoiled Americans are when we came upon street construction and hadn't a clue where the detour wanted us to go because it clearly did mean for us to drive through the dirt. We, I suppose, expected a temporary paved road just for short time it would take for the team to construct the permanent road. We were surprised at the complete lack of advertising. The mall looked like a warehouse of sorts, not a fashion mall. There were no store names on the outside. No street billboards. No glitz and glamor. A Canadian explained that there was no real reason to market like Americans do, "We know where everything is here."

It was a nice trip. I came home and immediately started my diet. I am very hopeful we can get out of the country again, but this time to a Third World country with the kids. I imagine I'll head back to Canada again someday, as the culture really suited us and their healthcare system is much more innovative and evidence-based than our own here in the states. Refreshing.

Attitudes, Beliefs and Perceptions

"Attitude plays a critical role in determining the difference between self-sabotage and success."

Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude. ~Zig Zigler

For fun, try these perception exercises or these. While attitude is key to success, developing clear perception also keeps you on track in achieving your goals. It seems every now and then, I need a reality check. I am a visionary and have no real struggle for visioning big and believing it.

The difference between attitude and perception is choice. When we are faced with something new or challenging (or frustrating), we can choose to have a positive attitude toward it but that doesn't mean that we automatically perceive it for what it is.

One of the true ironies in life is that ten people witnessing any particularly event will likely give ten different depictions. Our perceptions are affected by our history, beliefs and physiology. This is why it is so important to get feedback from trusted advisers. It is also easy to get tunnel vision and believe that your vision is absolute truth.

My recent blog rant is truth, but only a portion of the truth because the reality is, I can sum up the bad side of midwifery in one blog posting. The beauty of midwifery can't even be put into words. No book, no conversation over tea, and no eloquently written blog can give justice to the miraculous and awe-inspiring, blessed events I have had the privilege to witness.

How do I avoid self-sabotage? I surround myself with people that build me up. This lesson took me until just the last two years to learn. The five women I work with are true blessings from the Lord and validation for me that He has created this practice and has asked me to be obedient as he leads me where He wants me to go. The Lord created this practice and He can tear it down however and whenever He sees fit. It would be a great misfortune though, if I allowed my own inadequacies, including self-doubt, to crumble the practice and/or my own calling prematurely.

I will admit that I can fall into negative-talk and sometimes it takes me a few times to learn from my mistakes, particularly with respect to social circumstances. I can procrastinate and have a tendency to want to please, even the most unreasonable. These are all qualities that invite self-sabotage.

What a blessing it is to come into work and have your office manager tell it to you straight, "Get it together, suck it up, and move on. You have a job to do!" Negative conditioning is simply not allowed if you want to succeed as an independent midwife. Here is an interesting trick for testing your subconscious beliefs. This site, along with this one, is suggested for training in personal growth, although I am a bit cautious in recommending either because I haven't explored them thoroughly and these sorts of mind-body cleaning or energy tricks can often lead to New Age thinking.

This morning on the Early Show (yes, I was up before 8am) a lady who has suffered from MS was being interviewed after having recently releasing a book titled, "29 gifts in 29 days." She was told by her "spiritual adviser" after venting a self-pity party during a particularly challenging day that she was simply focusing too much on her own situation and needed to look beyond herself. She was instructed to give 29 simple gifts to people, anyone, for 29 days and it absolutely changed her life. I don't have any doubts that this story is genuine and would be successful for most anyone.

Our thought process absolutely can direct our experiences. Mothers that answer my question regarding their intentions to breastfeeding with, "I am going to try," are actually saying, "I don't think I can do it" or "I don't really want to do it," but I am going to put baby to breast once or twice and then allow my body or baby to fail me. I won't accept this answer. They are either committed or they aren't. I am not going to assist a mom that can't give me commitment because when her experience fails, I don't want to be the one blamed for failing her. She needs to take responsibility for her own success.

So here are some thoughts I am sitting on at 3:00 am in the morning...

The things have I wanted to accomplish, but haven't...
The projects I've begun, but never completed are...
The communications I've withheld are...
The goals I've put off are...
The things for which I haven't forgiven myself are...
The things for which I haven't forgiven others are..
Thing things that are important to me are...
Some of my major goals in life are...
I see myself as...
Others perceive me as...
Having a successful career means...
The ways my career supports me in achieving my life goals are...
The ways my career limits me in achieving my life goals are...
Regarding my career, things I don't want to ever have to do are...
Regarding my career, things I really enjoy are...
The ways I would have to change to achieve my goals are...
The things I am really willing to do to achieve my goals are...

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. ~Will Rogers


I can definitely be a procrastinator, but I typically get the job done...eventually. According to business experts, this is the most common symptom of self-sabotage for a small business owner. My biggest issue or reason for procrastination is that I have such a high, perfectionist expectation for performance that accomplishing the task appears overwhelming. I will admit that a motto my Dad drilled into me was, "If you're going to do something do it right, or don't do it at all." Somewhere I heard and knew he expected, perfection. Adequate and sufficient were never acceptable.

Again, is my perception appropriate? High standards are great, but are mine realistic? Perfectionism in itself is highly desirable, right? Then why do I have to break my addiction? What I am failing to realize is the toll it is taking on me. Often I find myself agreeing to a task or activity that I am not really sure is a real priority and so I procrastinate - my boundary disorder. I am becoming a delegation queen!! Procrastination is a symptom. Figure out the problem. Then fix it!

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. ~Richard Bach

Visit to the Capital

Almost two weeks ago, I had a physician call the office and leave a kind message regarding a client of mine who had applied for Medicaid. She was hoping to follow-up on her care. However, upon completion of her message, she failed to hang up appropriately and her continued assault on me and my practice was eloquently recorded on my answering machine.

She shared with her staff that I was working outside my scope with a high risk client. She stated I was unprofessional and she was going to report me and get me into big trouble. She mocked my client for seeking Medicaid coverage and thinking Medicaid would pay for her desire to have an illegal homebirth with an uneducated midwife.

First thing Monday morning, I gave this kind physician a phone call as it was clear that she needed enlightenment. The Lord allowed me an hour-an-a-half on the phone with her to somehow shine a glimmer of light into her very narrow minded vision of homebirth and midwifery. Humility can really open the paths of conversation.

Amazingly, this family physician had absolutely no knowledge of Nurse Midwives (and not a great deal about maternity care either) but was adamantly opposed in every way to the direct entry midwifery. She doesn't attend births as a physician and feels she will raise her kids well enough that they would never choose to birth at home. Therefore, she felt the issue really has no direct affect on her, but as a physician who grew up in a third world country where women and children die daily, she had no ability to understand why women, her own patients, in American, with choice, would choose not to birth in the hospital.

I used this passionate distaste for direct entry midwives to encourage a potential willingness to embrace Nurse Midwives as an alternative, particularly within homebirth scenarios. She agreed with my argument and pointed the finger at me, "Do something about it. Contact your representatives!" I do. I have. I continue to often. She then explained that my efforts have been all wrong. Clearly!

Funny enough, the Lord used this completely humiliating situation for this physician to share her resources with me. Apparently, this physician is exceptionally active within our legislative healthcare committee. It seems she genuinely knows each and every representative and senator, as well as their agendas. I've been waiting for the Lord's tool and praise the Lord I came prepared. Upon my return from Canada, I had a message with an immediate appointment in the capital with a few of our legislative leaders. I gave my all. I was heard. Jaws dropped. My greatest concern is the timing, but the Lord will control that.

Ironically, as I dropped by my local ACNM chapter's web page today, I find... "We will be alert for ways to make home birth better supported for CNMs in the next legislative session." I ask specifically, what is their vision because only one person that I spoke with yesterday had even heard of Nurse Midwives and she was told that they would not work outside of the hospital? They had absolutely no awareness of the barriers we face. I challenge the chapter to step forward and represent its members. Now is the time.

Certified Nurse Midwives providing homebirths in Indiana include:
Our own practice, Believe Midwifery Services, LLC with Penny Lane MSN, CNM
Birthroot Midwifery Services with Lynn McDonald MSN, CNM
Peaceful Beginnings Midwifery with Kate Shantz MSN, CNM
Laura Gilbert CNM (serving North Central Indiana & Southwest Michigan)
Childbirth Choices & Women's Health with Diana Saunders CNM (serving Milford, IN)
Julie Stackhouse CNM (serving Corunna, IN)
Mary Doezema CNM
Moonstone Midwifery with Gretchen Jenkins CNM (serving Ft Wayne, IN)
Central Indiana Nurse Midwives with Lynda Barton-Kirch CNM