Eve

I never considered that Eve died before she saw the fulfillment of God's promise to her. I wonder if she thought Cain was to be her savior and then in recognizing his own fall, what did she think this meant? She thought he came to save life, but instead, he took it. The guilt and regret she must have felt. She likely had no idea what was to come and how far that promise was beyond her own life. Did she think the Lord had not fulfilled His promise?

I have found a great deal of peace in knowing that our Perfect Father did not have children who were perfect. He potentially spent lifetimes with Adam, counseling, teaching, inspiring, and Adam was so easily led astray. Often society judges our children's poor choices as evidence of poor parenting. I realized very soon when my two oldest were well behaved beyond my parenting ability, that I couldn't take credit but is is harder for me to recognize as my children make poor decisions that it isn't directly my fault either. Generational sin seeps through our lives, but we each make our own decisions.

Cain and Abel came from the same stock, both living in the same environment and experiencing the same training. Cain's attitude of deep resentment against God in every circumstance was his downfall. Cain was potentially bitter, resenting God's judgement of his parent's sin and the unfair discrimination against himself. He did not thank God for what he did have from Him, nor enjoy a close relationship with the Lord. I have a son that I fear harbors a heart of bitterness. This is such a sad way to live life.

Catastrophic, life-changing acts of sin are the culmination of lifelong attitudes toward God and His Word that are discernible in daily thoughts and decisions that are distant from Him. Do not, like Cain, ignore this sin of bitterness until it precipitates an open crisis over which you have no control.

A persistent sense of grievance and self-pity is typical of a soul in rebellion against God.

I have always found Cain's exaggeration of his punishment enlightening. He puffed up the consequences and abandoned the Lord, not the other way around. The Lord tried to reassure him, to give him hope but he fled and let Satan twist his reality. Cain was more concerned with his punishment, than his character. Unlike David, who sought out God's mercy.

Lord, please let my heart be willing to hear painful truth.

Sin

When Eve ate the apple, she didn't simply harm herself. Sin reaches beyond the original sinner. Sin is infectious. Personal sin always affects those around us and invades our relationships.

The immediate result of Adam and Eve's disobedience was that their eyes were opened. They knew they were naked. Is it possible that prior to the fall, the garment of light that God was said to be clothed, which is the outward shining manifestation of His glory, had been given in part to them? When sin entered, the original glory they had had from creation left them and they were naked. Their sin was revealed.

I learned from Adam and Eve, that there is no real confession if you also partly blame someone else.

Another Cookie Crumb

Since my son's death, I have asked the Lord for understanding. He has been faithful, merciful, and provided me a crumb, but no more than a crumb and not until the exact moment He desired. Each time I was also reminded to be a big girl and use that crumb to understand His Love, His Protection and His Will rather than let the painful truths of this world conquer me. He makes continually clear that He has a job for me and expects me to stay on task, in faith.

Today, the crumb I was provided came through a client's journey through her pregnancy and birth. I'll admit that each of my clients are rather special and I treasure nothing more than just sitting and getting to know them, but this particular couple I genuinely wish we could have weekly devotions together. Great thinkers. Inspiring. Faithful. Accountable. The Lord has blessed me with a few of those people in my life lately.

This couple, who I have never met prior to our initial interview, is within the social group I found such refuge prior to my son's death. I have shared on my blog before that the church my husband and I were baptized in was a genuine saving grace for us. The minister was phenomenal and still one of my most favorite people. The years I spent serving in that church are truly some of the most precious moments of my life. We moved a bit too north to stay actively involved so sought out another church during my pregnancy with Lyric, yet still thought of them as our family. Ironically, only two people from the church, none from my mid-week Bible study group, came to our son's funeral and we were a bit dumbfounded.

They were our only family and we were rather surprised to have been so forgotten in such a short time period. We never really returned to this church because honestly, I feared I harbored some bitterness. It was painful and I had no ability to understand their abandonment. However, I was also well aware of how I can be a person of good intentions and clearly have let way more people down than I care to admit. Over the years, I have simply come to remember that time in our life as where the Lord chose to put a fire under me as a baby Christian. I am grateful but clearly, their vision of me must remain that of a baby Christian.

As this client's pregnancy has progressed we have shared sweet memories about particular people in the church and they have briefly shared some of their struggles as others have persecuted their decision to birth at home with a midwife. I wasn't surprised as I was pursuing midwifery while a member there and was told by my spiritual mentor that she thought midwifery was crazy, "Why would any woman want to birth without an epidural! I wanted mine immediately!" I was speechless that this particular women, who I had viewed as the epiphany of faithful living, was blind to her own idol. She was completely unaware that she was pushing the Lord out of her pregnancy and birthing experiences. I think that was genuinely the first time I realized that Great Spiritual Mentors are also, human. My eyes needed to remain in the Word and from that point forward, they did.

This particular family I met with today had a fabulous pregnancy, a beautiful birth, and a joyful postpartum experience. They are bathing in the blessing the Lord has promised them for their faithful obedience. (Not that homebirth is His will for everyone, but it was for this family and they followed in complete faith facing the persecution with great honor.)

Today, the family met yet another persecutor and I think Dad was searching for a tiny bit of validation that his faith wasn't blind or prideful. He was seeking more truth to better understand the Lord's direction. I think He left even more on fire after our visit and I am grateful the Lord continues to demonstrate that He has every tiny speckle of my life covered. I don't want to share too much of the revelations I was offered today and appear to dishonor any particular sister in Christ, but I was reminded that faith is a spiritual gift.

There have been many times in my spiritual walk that I have been judged for not serving enough, not giving enough, not being a shepherd or teacher, but I know that the Lord has blessed me abundantly with faith and with encouragement. I know this also means that while I am no more gifted at service, there are others of little faith. They are no less in love with the Lord as I. However, this also means that my line of work terrifies them. It means that my faith can intimidate them, just as I can be intimidated by their acts of service. It reminds me that as long as I am in the will of God, I can expect to be persecuted as Christ was and is...and that I will remain separated from the world...I will seek His Holiness.

Thank-you Sarah for reminding me that my presence isn't always what others reject, but the memory and pain I might bring them in remembering our tragedy. Please bring peace to those that still harbor fear because of Lyric's death.

Thank-you Friends for reminding me that the Lord will use a single thread to guide you, like a bumper magnet, and what He asks is to be sensitive to His voice. Please sharpen my awareness to the Holy Spirit so that I can remain in Your will at all times.

Thank-you Lord for reminding me that you will always have my back. Thank-you for understanding me, for loving me, for lifting my burdens and for providing me such peace. Thank-you for teaching me. Thank-you for forgiving me and most importantly, thank-you for gifting me with faith in your saving grace.

Reconciliation

I was listening to KLOVE the other night and a woman was sharing about her relationship with her mother, not at all good. What surprised me was the perspective of both the radio host and this lady regarding reconciliation of their relationship. Often Christians assume their sisters or brothers in Christ aren't in the will of God if they have a broken relationship. However, reconciliation takes two people. Forgiveness is the act of one person and is the expectation of our Father.

My entire life I have felt empathy for my mother. I have shared that in many previous posts. I sort of identified in some ways and really understood, desperately wanted more for her. She however was never able to accept that and seemed to always misunderstand my intentions. I am not sure if my personality was just hard for her to embrace or if she was too prideful to accept my grace or if potentially her behavior, her drugs and alcohol, caused a genuine amnesia regarding her mothering. However, her hatred grew, peaking with the death of my son and the Lord used this separation to heal me and deepen my faith.

The KLOVE guest speaker shared that she had a separation too that removed her from the relationship and her desire to change her mother. The time apart allowed her to grow, learn and heal which would not have occurred within the troubled union. The Lord shares in His Word, ...As much as you are able, be at peace with everyone.

Peace is not always available. But, I can apply grace, mercy, forgiveness and compassion which gives me as much peace in my relationships as I am able. I can pray too, for their own peace and then wait for the Lord to bring reconciliation.

The last few months have brought both of my parents into my life a little bit more and my perspective is so very much different. I can genuinely meet them where they are, with expectations of nothing else. This means I've had to let go of that All-American dream for unconditional love from my parents. To be frank, the Lord has filled that desperate need for their love. Everything else is simply a bonus. For the first time, I can see reconciliation on this side of heaven. I think my friendships will dance to a new tune in the future as well.

Forgiveness

I have been blessed with the ability to forgive many. I can't imagine a life of over whelming bitterness, hate and rage. I don't confess to have a heart that is without any need of forgiving, as there are still a few heartbreaks that I need to lay at the foot of the cross. Those aren't the sorrows or betrayers one would expect though. I suppose I've just neglected the "little things," like forgiving my high school band teacher or people in church who said cruel things after my son's death without realizing the insensitivity or even, the friend that proved to lack loyalty. Having forgiven those who left my son for dead, those who threw salt in our wounds, and those who spit in our face... well, it seems a bit ludicrous that I would neglect the need to forgive simple scratches along the way and risk being judged with such harshness at the pearly gates.