They're Singing Your Song

When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the woman attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else.

When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child's song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and changes the child's song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.

Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person's bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person on to the next life.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion when the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn't. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well. You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you'll find your way home.

~ Alan Cohen

Friendship

Last year a reoccurring theme of my blog was friendship. I was really challenged by both my long-term relationships and newer ones. I was well aware that the Lord was addressing some flaws in myself and was weeding my relationships in effort to make the necessary changes. The pruning was heart-breaking, but I had complete faith that the time was right and He would restore relationships that would glorify Him and bring me closer to His likeness. Don't misunderstand. I had only amazing women as friends, but I didn't know how to relate in a way that was the healthiest approach for my spiritual growth.

Friendship is important to the Lord. As Amy continually reminds me, the Lord is a Lord of relationships. "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" Ecclesiastes 2:9-10.

In Proverbs 22:24-25, God shows us how our friends can influence our lives. "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared." We do become like those we associate. An interesting quote, "God is why our lives change; friends are how our lives change."

Friends should replenish us. Friends should encourage us and speak life to us. They are women who will be there for you in your time of need, not deserting you. They make us accountable, without a critical heart. They are women who tell you the truth. Proverbs 27:5-6 says, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."

Proverbs 17:17 says, "A friend loves at all times," not just when times are good but when times are hard. In Proverbs 19:4 we see just how faithful some friends can be. It says, "Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man's friends desert him." It is true that you really know who your friends are when times are tough.

Finding Godly friends can be a real challenge however and I have become blatantly aware of my recent antisocial behavior. I have a very unique, maybe even peculiar lifestyle and most people who are drawn to me are really just sort of intrigued but not genuine about friendship. I tend to build a wall against these sorts of interrogations. Those that are like-minded however, are typically employees or students of mine and therefore, in a position to try and please me and my very high expectations which too, limits the development of genuine friendship.

I am not without hope as I clearly see this time as a transitional point for me. I see the Lord teaching me boundaries and demonstrating that I don't have to give all I have to everyone to deserve friendship in return. I am learning that insightfulness is not a standard, but rather a gift. Not everyone has the same expectations as me in friendship and so what may seem common sense to me, is not the case for others; therefore, I must learn how to express my boundaries and not be so offended when others cross "the line."

I will say the Lord has given me vision of friendship and I am eager, yet patient too, as I realize the Potter still has some finishing details He needs to smooth out in my clay.

Reign on Me

Keely rented Reign On Me, a newer movie with Adam Sandler, and I must say it was absolutely fabulous. The lead part, played by Adam, is a man whose family was killed in the 9-11 plane crash and after their death he suffered severe post-traumatic stress disorder. A friend of his from college runs into him several years after reading about his story in the paper and befriends him, leading them both to healing. If he doesn't win an award, or two or three, for this performance I will forever be disappointed.

There are many points in the movie that are very enlightening, but what I think I identified most with is the antisocial behavior that is a natural part of grieving, yet so misunderstood and frankly, not tolerated. Having suffered a significant loss in my own life and feeling as if I have come through the depths of grief with the ability to stand in optimistic hope of tomorrow, I suppose in hindsight, I am rather surprised at just how much mental health I have retained. Having had a little background of depression and anxiety, I think it would have been easy to assume many years ago that this sort of tragedy could easily create a psychological mess within me. I'll admit that I sat many times at my son's grave with the deepest desire to just start digging with the single motivation to remove the horrible hospital blankets that he is currently wrapped within and to put a soft outfit on him or simply lay his skin next to my own fuzzy baby blanket. It took every fiber of my being to maintain some sanity.

I was very antisocial in my grief. I didn't call anyone. I didn't thank anyone (although I was very grateful). I didn't build relationships. I didn't return favors or reach out. I certainly never engaged in conversation and I rarely made eye contact, particularly in public. I stopped attending church regularly. I was so very broken, although maybe appeared healed to those around me. Maybe I appeared selfish. Today, still, I have to remind myself to make eye contact and I find myself very antisocial outside of any arena that is not midwifery related. My focus is still very much on my mission and if you aren't part of that mission, I tend to have an inability to commit to a relationship. Sad.

The grieving father in Reign On Me developed new relationships over time. None were from his past, at least the past he had shared with his wife and children. Those would have been threatening to him. Too close to home. Some of those friends and family members made assumptions. Some judged. It is funny how we often expect others to grieve and respond the same way we think we would ourselves and outside of that box is otherwise inappropriate. Two of his friends supported quietly and accepted his method and timeline for healing. They continued their loyalty in spite of the apparent one-sided relationship. They protected their friend. They found comfort in the uncomfortable. They endured selflessly.

I have been blessed with friends who continued to reach out to me even though I never returned a phone call. I have friends who continued to serve only my needs although never did I ask about their own life or support them in their own struggles. I know I exhausted many, and continue to. Thank-you.

I suppose I wonder if one ever recovers from the depths of grief as I know it? But...Is that such a horrible place to be? A place that confirms that I have loved to the depth of my soul, have leaned on nothing more than my Father's love, and have maintained faith enough to stand again? A place that while initially caused me to feel so incredibly homesick, more recently has provided enough conviction and dedication to finish my task, my calling? I live with purpose. Some may say too much purpose. I am grateful, but it does seem rather ironic just how antisocial one often has to become before they find enlightenment. I suppose in being still and quiet for that time, I did hear the breath of God. He gave me direction.

Good movie.

I Carry Your Heart with Me

My dear friend, Amy Kirbow, gave me this poem at the blessing-way she hosted during the last month of my pregnancy. I believe she said it is her favorite poem.

I Carry Your Heart with Me by EE Cummings

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear, and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

Santa Franny and Stomach Flu

Yesterday, I think, or maybe two days ago... Santa Franny left a package of gifts for the kids on the back porch. Samuel and Noah discovered them late into the evening and helped themselves, ripping them open before I even knew what was going on. I heard Samuel screaming, "Elmo! Elmo!" When I turned and looked he was tearing off his shirt and putting on his newly unwrapped Elmo shirt. Then he saw the Elmo place mat. Again he yelled, "Elmo! Elmo!" Then in the next breath, he vomited all over the front of his new Elmo shirt. He was devastated. We ran up-stairs to find him his Elmo pajamas hoping to calm him, but were only successful in locating his Elmo bottoms. He did settle with a Spiderman top.

Then we went down-stairs to put clothes in the laundry and get Samuel a glass of water. And not ten minutes after he guzzled his water, he again vomited on his Spiderman shirt. Completely broken-hearted, Samuel and I just went to bed.

Keely washed Samuel's new Elmo shirt during the night and the next morning, following a nice night's sleep, she surprised him again with his Elmo shirt. Yeah! He immediately put it on and you guessed it, he vomited again. Poor kid. It has yet to be washed however, because we have all taken turns with the stomach flu and no one has any energy. Mom is the only one that has bathed in two days!

Warning ***Little Vent***
Ladies, how many times do you think I've heard my husband say, "I am sick. I can't. I don't feel good. I can't think. I can't move. I am sick."? Let me make clear to you, that he is the only one in the house that has yet to vomit, but is the only one in bed. After his most recent whine, I reminded him that this is what the entire first trimester feels like...every single day...you just have to keep moving. He looked up at me with pitiful droopy eyes and said, "That is exactly why I don't get pregnant!"

On a good note, he did dump bowls and fetch fresh washrags for Keely and I through the night. He would be in the middle of a deep snoring session and the tiniest sound of Keely in the other room would wake him. He would immediately be up, pants on, and out the door to lend her a hand. That was the first night ever I wasn't the one tending to the sick kids. He scored several very needed bonus points last night.