Empathy

As I've mentioned, my first cousin, the daughter of one of my mother's sisters, hung herself last week and her funeral was this Friday. I must also explain that my family is dysfunctional and clearly whether anyone admits it or not, most families are in someway. However, my family genuinely is the most dysfunctional of anyone I have ever met and working within the healthcare industry, I have been introduced to a lot of dysfunction. I had not spoken to the vast majority of my family in more than twenty years. It is odd that I am old enough to say that.

I've sort of been the black sheep and although my first instinct was to attend the funeral and offer my empathy, I later wondered if my presence might make someone uncomfortable. Quickly, I was reminded that my black sheep status doesn't ring the same attention that it would in any other family. Several others would easily attract more negative attention than I would and I simply can't imagine a mother loosing her child and my not at least attempting to lend support. I draped some fabric around my huge belly and took my husband for protection.

I was surprised how overwhelmed I became on the drive there. I nearly had a full blown panic attack. I had difficulty breathing and had to actually pace myself. Fainting was a real reality and of course, my husband was oblivious because he was so irate that someone had used his keys and not put them back where they belonged. It is amazing how completely self-involved some men can be. Empathy, I think, is often unique to the female gender.

My thirty-one year old cousin, mother of two, lived less than fifteen miles from me, which I had no idea about, and while I busied myself Tuesday doing nothing of any real importance, she tied a noose and stepped up onto a stool in complete desperation. I had no knowledge of her circumstances or what might cause her to seek peace in this way, but I had complete empathy. I have felt that desperation and despair. I wasn't at all surprised to hear the news. I genuinely felt as if that call could have come regarding anyone of my family members, or vice versa.

The details as I have been told them are beyond comprehension. If any bit of it holds truth, I can honestly say, she had more strength than even I. It is a decision to remain sane in the midst of tragedy and I know after my son's death there were many times the Lord grabbed me from falling into the pit of insanity. I was only a grasp away. It is easier to fall, then to stand back up and be so alone when you do. I felt very homesick for such a long time.

Anyway, Mike was driving me to a funeral in which those attending had the potential to take an already incredibly devastating tragedy and blast the heartbreak into a truly scary event. Not one person had any awareness of whether any other person would show up because no one spoke to each other and although we each secretly hoped everyone would, we each feared that exact fact and a brawl would occur. I have visions of attacks, guns, dope, adultery, molestation, and most of all, genuine gut-reaching hate from within each person I am related. I was very apprehensive, but being the mother of a child that died and having not one family member at his funeral, I was in no way going to be that person that allowed hate and fear to come between my utter empathy and compassion.

As I walked in, I immediately saw my cousin's biological father. I recognized him as he did me, while others asked in full voice, "Do you know her?" Who says that? Manners run scarce in my family, because we have no discipline or self-control, which is exactly why we have such deep emotions and depression. It took many years for me to gain control and tame myself. I still have much work to do, but it is astonishing to see how far the Lord has led me.

It was very intriguing to see my cousin's most immediate family respond to the funeral with such apathy and not that they didn't care or weren't completely broken inside, but that they were numb and in shock. I remember being judged harshly that I didn't care, that I didn't feel it, because I remained intellectual initially. I simply didn't have anything in me but I was rationale. I performed and moved through the emotions as they were required of me. I was too rationale. At home I cried until my eyes were swollen and for the next several years hadn't even the ability to cook my family dinner. This was when the reality sunk in, after everyone else had moved on.

After signing in, another aunt quickly approached and gave me a genuine apologetic hug. She said she loved me and was sorry for my own loss. This was so heart-warming and a pleasant surprise after almost five years. Unfortunately, the history doesn't prove that this genuine apologetic nature will last beyond this immediate heart wrenching time. After my son died, this particular aunt called me on the phone and asked me if I had any idea what I was putting my mother through. She seemed completely, and insanely confused with the fact that it was my son that died and apparently had the misconception that my mother was the only one affected. Odd. I am not bitter though, because for some reason which is really hard to explain, I sort of feel as if my childhood and family is as storybook that I became familiar with, but really never was a part of. They just all seem so foreign to me and I feel great compassion for them. I do wish them all happiness and great healing.

We then walked towards the casket and my young cousin was in fact an empty vessel. I can't imagine. The finality of it is just too much to comprehend and no, I don't believe she was saved. I can always hope however that she'll be among those embraced in His arms when I arrive. Her mother, also stoic and performing her duties...hugging, apologizing to visitors for their own discomfort and inconvenience, and of course, attempting to host and make this anyway more pleasant for others...said to me as I hugged her and cried on her shoulder, "We just didn't know." Who does?

I don't know what my response was, but I know later when my great aunt sat beside me and whispered, "I heard that so-and-so was really depressed, struggling, and it's a real surprise he even showed up here today," that I quickly responded, "You know, I don't think there is a single person in this room that hasn't been depressed and likely hasn't felt the same desperation that 'my cousin' did. This could have been anyone of us."

This great-aunt was particularly surprised, leaned back and took a good look at me and then said, "Yeah, but he's medicated!" Gasp!

"Well, good for him!" How can anyone throw stones! I simply can't imagine as one prepares to attend the funeral of a young woman that died many years too early, that they would even think to pack their bag with stones. What sort of detached disorder would you have to have? The insanity among my family is truly fascinating.

Mike and I stayed through the two-hours of visitation and yes, that was the first time I had seen my mother in almost five years. I was huge and pregnant, so of course most everyone had to comment on that, but at one point my step-father approached and shook my hand. I don't remember what he said, something regarding my belly, and I looked directly at my mother. She looked at me and continued walking. Nothing.

I visited with my cousins, many of which were completely unfamiliar to me until they said their name. Oddly enough, as one of the older cousins, I thought they would still be small. Many had kids that were in grade school and I hadn't any idea they were even out of high school themselves. I spoke to my grandmother for the first time in nearly twenty years. It was all so very surreal. I hugged every person that would approach me and I think I might have been the only hugger all day long, but if that becomes my black sheep label, I can live with that. Of course, there were those that had no interest in my hugging them and in my naivety, I did privately check myself for body odor. I was fresh, just rejected.

As we left, my aunt and grandmother asked for my e-mail. I encouraged them to stop by before they left town and we were on our way. Today, my grandmother did in fact stop by and was here for several hours. As I grow up, it becomes more and more clear to me how hard everyone works to cover their sins, their insecurities, their failures and the real reason I am such a black sheep, is because I don't and I don't pretend to cover anyone else's either. I simply can't imagine the guilt Christ must have felt on the cross, because I can't even wrap my brain around the guilt that my own mother carried, or my great-grandmother, or my father's mother. These three women had so many skeleton's in their closet and each one of them cared more about those secrets being revealed then they did even loving and forgiving their children. When I think of my mother, I vision a dark, empty, melting skeleton. It breaks my heart that one woman would feel such emotion, but to imagine Christ taking on that from generations upon generations... it was never the physical torture He feared.

While my grandmother's visit was absolutely delightful, she did validate for my husband and I that my mother never had any love for me. Don't pity. My sister always says, "No one hates you, Penny." I am more heartbroken for my sister. She, as many women do, believes in her heart that she is loved by these people. She believes that although they beat her, kick her when she's down, point out all her faults and genuinely work to squeeze out every last tear out of her, that somewhere in that there is love.

I realized a few years ago that although I have always told Keely her biological father loved her in his own way and that my parent's did love her although they didn't know how to show it, that I was teaching her this was love. This is the exact opposite of love. I wasn't doing her any favors and I wasn't softening the blow for her. She needs to know that this isn't love and don't marry a man that treats you this way. Don't be friends with people that treat you this way. It isn't love. You can't change them. Don't try to please them. You deserve better.

My mother doesn't now, nor has she ever loved me and in fact, she has genuine hate for me. It is more comforting to know that I simply need to find love in our Father and my husband and my children, then to continually focus on why my mother's "love" hurts me so much and why I can't seem to please her in spite of my desperate attempts. I am able to then step back and see that this is her own issue and has nothing what-so-ever to do with me.

My grandmother too, in as genuine as a way as one could, stated the same truth from the first day I was born. My husband was just numb. He knows it. He sees it. He can't believe it. And one wonders why I have such a passion for maternal and child healthcare. This is the foundation upon where my life fell apart and the cross upon which my son died. It is how the Lord speaks to me.

A great deal of insight came from today with which I could write for hours...and I wish I could. I am sure however, what I have already written makes little sense, but it has been dumped from my head to my fingers to the blog and it is a relief to know that I come home to my family, and my Father and this is real love. I do hope I can distinguish this for my children and not be naive enough to teach them otherwise. Had my cousin recognized the difference, maybe she might have had hope and sought real love rather than striving for acceptance within an empty world.

Magical Fairies

Yesterday, I attended my cousin's funeral, which I will have to post about at another time. However, in the midst of my anxiety a fleet of fairies transported themselves to my home and I am overwhelmed with their pixie dust. What a beautiful day.

I had originally planned to pick up a friend at the airport that morning, but the funeral changed those plans, so another friend volunteered to pick her up. Fabulous! When I returned, my friend Cindi was here. We started catching up and then a friend/client of mine called asking if this would be a good time for her to come work off some medical bills. Fabulous! Both her and her husband came straight over and he began spreading mulch that had been piled in our drive way for weeks, as well as pulled a bunch of invading weeds and grasses. He stacked the remaining bricks in our driveway from our gardening project behind our garage. It was such a relief to finally see the cement of our driveway again.

I walked him through our garden as I showed him around and was surprised to see piles of weeds on the brick pathway. My pregnancy brain thought, "huh, my husband must have pulled weeds today" (he was at the funeral with me all day). I remember looking among the tomatoes and green beans and thinking, wow, that soil really looks awesome, but didn't clue in. Later Cindi informed me that Franny, my friend that picked her up at the airport, had come back here and weeded/hoed our garden!!! Pixie dust all over the place!!! She also left frozen meals in the freezer.

My client helped inside with stocking, making birth supplies, checking expiration dates, running up and down the stairs for me and while she and I worked, Cindi cooked ribs and fried rice for us in the kitchen, then cleaned the entire kitchen before I was able to sneak away and help! Wow!

I always dreamed about living among the trees with the dainty, beautiful little fairies...yesterday, I had my opportunity!

Who is WE?

President Barack Obama said in Turkey : "We do not consider ourselves a Christian nation or a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation. We consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values."

I found this very interesting. Do you know the Preamble for your state?

Alabama 1901, Preamble We the people of the State of Alabama , invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution..

Alaska 1956, Preamble We, the people of Alaska , grateful to God and to those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land.

Arizona 1911, Preamble We, the people of the State of Arizona , grateful to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution...

Arkansas 1874, Preamble We, the people of the State of Arkansas , grateful to Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form of government...

California 1879, Preamble We, the People of the State of California , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom...

Colorado 1876, Preamble We, the people of Colorado , with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe...

Connecticut 1818, Preamble. The People of Connecticut, acknowledging with gratitude the good Providence of God in permitting them to enjoy.

Delaware 1897, Preamble Through Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the rights of worshipping and serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences...

Florida 1885, Preamble We, the people of the State of Florida , grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty, establish this Constitution...

Georgia 1777, Preamble We, the people of Georgia , relying upon protection and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish this Constitution...

Hawaii 1959, Preamble We , the people of Hawaii , Grateful for Divine Guidance .... Establish this Constitution. I

aho 1889, Preamble We, the people of the State of Idaho , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings..

Illinois 1870, Preamble We, the people of the State of Illinois, grateful to Almighty God for the civil , political and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors.

Indiana 1851, Preamble We, the People of the State of Indiana , grateful to Almighty God for the free exercise of the right to choose our form of government.

Iowa 1857, Preamble We, the People of the St ate of Iowa , grateful to the Supreme Being for the blessings hitherto enjoyed, and feeling our dependence on Him for a continuation of these blessings, establish this Constitution.

Kansas 1859, Preamble We, the people of Kansas , grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious privileges establish this Constitution.

Kentucky 1891, Preamble.. We, the people of the Commonwealth are grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties..

Louisiana 1921, Preamble We, the people of the State of Louisiana , grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties we enjoy.

Maine 1820, Preamble We the People of Maine acknowledging with grateful hearts the goodness of the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe in affording us an opportunity .. And imploring His aid and direction.

Maryland 1776, Preamble We, the people of the state of Maryland , grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberty...

Massachusetts 1780, Preamble We...the people of Massachusetts, acknowledging with grateful hearts, the goodness of the Great Legislator of the Universe In the course of His Providence, an opportunity and devoutly imploring His direction

Michigan 1908, Preamble.. We, the people of the State of Michigan , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of freedom, establish this Constitution.

Minnesota, 1857, Preamble We, the people of the State of Minnesota, grateful to God for our civil and religious liberty, and desiring to perpetuate its blessings:

Mississippi 1890, Preamble We, the people of Mississippi in convention assembled, grateful to Almighty God, and invoking His blessing on our work.

Missouri 1845, Preamble We, the people of Missouri , with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and grateful for His goodness . Establish this Constitution...

Montana 1889, Preamble. We, the people of Montana , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty establish this Constitution ..

Nebraska 1875, Preamble We, the people, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom . Establish this Constitution.

Nevada 1864, Preamble We the people of the State of Nevada , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, establish this Constitution...

New Hampshire 1792, Part I. Art. I. Sec. V Every individual has a natural and unalienable right to worship God according to the dictates of his own conscience.

New Jersey 1844, Preamble We, the people of the State of New Jersey, grateful to Almighty God for civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors.

New Mexico 1911, Preamble We, the People of New Mexico, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty..

New York 1846, Preamble We, the people of the State of New York , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, in order to secure its blessings.

North Carolina 1868, Preamble We the people of the State of North Carolina, grateful to Almighty God, the Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for our civil, political, and religious liberties, and acknowledging our dependence upon Him for the continuance of those...

North Dakota 1889, Preamble We , the people of North Dakota , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, do ordain...

Ohio 1852, Preamble We the people of the state of Ohio , grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings and to promote our common.

Oklahoma 1907, Preamble Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to secure and perpetuate the blessings of liberty, establish this

Oregon 1857, Bill of Rights, Article I Section 2. All men shall be secure in the Natural right, to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their consciences

Pennsylvania 1776, Preamble We, the people of Pennsylvania, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, and humbly invoking His guidance....

Rhode Island 1842, Preamble. We the People of the State of Rhode Island grateful to Almighty God for the civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing...

South Carolina , 1778, Preamble We, the people of he State of South Carolina grateful to God for our liberties, do ordain and establish this Constitution.

South Dakota 1889, Preamble We, the people of South Dakota , grateful to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberties ...

Tennessee 1796, Art. XI..III. That all men have a natural and indefeasible right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their conscience...

Texas 1845, Preamble We the People of the Republic of Texas , acknowledging, with gratitude, the grace and beneficence of God.

Utah 1896, Preamble Grateful to Almighty God for life and liberty, we establish this Constitution.

Vermont 1777, Preamble Whereas all government ought to enable the individuals who compose it to enjoy their natural rights, and other blessings which the Author of Existence has bestowed on man ..

Virginia 1776, Bill of Rights, XVI Religion, or the Duty which we owe our Creator can be directed only by Reason and that it is the mutual duty of all to practice Christian Forbearance, Love and Charity towards each other

Washington 1889, Preamble We the People of the State of Washington, grateful to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution

West Virginia 1872, Preamble Since through Divine Providence we enjoy the blessings of civil, political and religious liberty, we, the people of West Virginia reaffirm our faith in and constant reliance upon God ..

Wisconsin 1848, Preamble We, the people of Wisconsin, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, domestic tranquility...

Wyoming 1890, Preamble We, the people of the State of Wyoming , grateful to God for our civil, political, and religious liberties, establish this Constitution...

Yard "To Do" List

I caught my final baby early this morning, prior to my own birth. I wish I felt done, but I know the postpartum days are often more work than the births themselves. I also have several prenatals to make up that were cancelled this week - three babies in five days!


However, after catching up on a bit of sleep today, I headed outside to clean up the yard. Mike cleaned up the trash area behind the garage yesterday, which looks fabulous. We had been dumping our limbs, weeks and rocks over the fence as well, so it was a really huge mess. He also planted some sprinklers around the garden with a timer, that doesn't seem to work. We have to pull up all the hoses and sprinklers too, to mow, so it isn't quite a perfect system, but we'll figure something out.


The strawberries all look fabulous and we're starting to have grass sprouting throughout the yard after having destroyed it last year to bury a water line. I am hoping to put in an outside shower (yes, we live in town, but it has always been a dream). We a spot for it, but I haven't quite got a vision. I did find this book on-line though with lots of ideas and I am hoping I can get the local library to borrow it from another library. How fabulous would it be to have the kids shower after playing in the sandbox or Mike shower after four-wheeling or for me to have this possibility after gardening. Mike purchased plans for building a potting shed because he wants my "junk" out of his garage, so I am wondering if I can just put the shower on the side of the shed, giving it more privacy.


To Do:

Dig up the old tulips that didn't bloom throughout the yard.

Scoop the remaining pile of sand into the sandbox.

Spread mulch.

Transfer remaining bricks into stack behind garage.

Dig a small trench along the brick path on the south side of the garden (water pooling because it has no where to go).

Iron fencing around garden?

Plant another cucumber plant and maybe some Roma tomatoes.

Wash the patio table and chairs.

Stain the swing set.

Figure out water system on timer.

Make plans for potting shed and shower.

Make plans for steps and patio.

Choose 3 climbing plants - done!


Split the rose of sharon and azalea plant growing on top of each other.


Make a bird bath with the kids.


Put a hose on the back faucet - hose holder?


Outside our sliding doors we have a huge mess because the previous owners tore out the deck and hot tub just prior to our purchase. I would love to have a brick patio put in since we have an old brick pathway through the side yard, but have started planting on either side of the sliding door. Today I moved three of our black trellises that I had used last year at the back fence (and the neighborhood girls cut my gourds off and ran down the alley with them). The vast majority of our garden, particularly in the front, are pink and purple flowers. I would like to balance this a bit with white, green and silver plantings, so just decided on training iceberg roses to grow up these trellises covering the back of the house on one side. Gorgeous, huh? Iceberg roses are known for being very easy to care for, so that suits me perfect!

Baby Gifts

As I've shared before, it sort of feels like this might be our last baby. I am not sure why, as I'd be happy to have more, but I have a sort of contentment this time. For this reason, I am reminded of all the many things I've wanted to try but never purchased. I am not sure I will this time either, but as an obsessive list maker, I couldn't resist making a blog entry on these items.

I believe I've mentioned before that I've never tried a Boppy and most all my clients own one and love them. I have purchased one and even if it doesn't fit my personal needs, I can share it with my clients as they visit and nurse in the office. I want to be sure we have cabbage available for my postpartum engorgement, and although I suspect breastfeeding should go very well, I'd like to try the hydrogels if we have any initial issues.

I have also wanted to try Lili Pads, but because they are a bit pricey I haven't splurged and therefore, suggest them at times to clients without any real experience. It thrills me to know there is another alternative to the big bulky breast pads that create a huge round circle padding in breastfeeding mom's shirts. I had understood them to be sold at Target, but I haven't seen them the last several times I've been in there.

I am also interested in trying more slings. This was the one item that I can't imagine parenting without and I simply can't imagine how I survived before. I have shared this sling before as I think it is the most beautiful sling I've ever seen.

I hadn't seen the green version before, which is also beautiful with the butter yellow inside. I have only used the sling style sling which has worked perfectly, but I am interested in trying a pouch style like the above two for the first few weeks.

A client of mine made me a beautiful sling as well. I can't wait to try it out. It is also a ring style, which I imagine is by far the most convenient of slings. The version below though, I have also been interested in trying. I think they look neat, but I am not sure my postpartum apple figure will be so flattered in this wrap around. I do hope I come across one sometime though.

Another thought I've had lately for my "got to try with the last child" list is hiring a personal chef that would come to our home and cook for us - just once. I have had a few friends try this and really enjoyed it. There is a local lady I have talked to as well, that was interested in marketing to my homebirth clients but in all the business of getting started in the practice, I have lost track of her. After two of my children, my mom made me porcupines and so with each pregnancy I started to think what my favorite postpartum meal would be. Since my mom won't be cooking for us, I thought this might be a fun alternative.

We have started the diaper service which is something I've always wanted to try as well, and the organic Farm Fresh Delivery. Both are fabulous.

I would love to try a Britex car seat, but oh my, don't know if I could afford one.

I have never tried a postpartum herb bath, which I provide for each of my clients and even create frozen pads for their perineum with the herb bath soaked in them. They are a HUGE hit. I haven't done anything fun with our placentas either, and honestly don't believe I have even seen my own placenta. This time I hope to create a placenta print and frame it, hung next to our belly cast (yet to be made).

I am in my 36th week of pregnancy and although I am thoroughly enjoying my pregnancy, I haven't really sank into it yet since I still have two babies to catch. I was hoping to have a month off prior to my own birth, but clearly that was a bit too optimistic.

We have yet to decide on names, although Jewel is still the leading winner. We haven't a middle name for either gender but are discussing Jubilee and Lucille. I would love to have an A name, but haven't thought of one yet. I'am hoping to really get into the Bible after these babies birth, so I can listen for the Lord's direction. I think Simon is still our winner for a boy, but again am not sure this was inspired. I'll need to pray on that.

Generally, we complete a belly cast at 35 weeks, but we had a birth that weekend, and this weekend we had another birth, so we haven't been successful. Mike did finish the bricks in the garden though and today I brushed in most of the sand. I think I'll add a bit more and then we're done. I do hope to have another belly cast on my wall, but I'll always think of this garden as Mike's gift to me during this pregnancy. It should genuinely last a lifetime.

This pregnancy has been odd in its ease. I think by far this has been the easiest, as I've only had a few discomforts. No nausea. In fact, no real GI issues other than heartburn. I have gained all my weight in my boobs, arms and face though, so I haven't had the beautiful pregnancy of the stars, but that has been similar to all my other pregnancies. I am avoiding the mirror and just think of all the days I'll spend on my fabulous bike.

I also have folliculitis of pregnancy again. I have had this with all five pregnancies and had forgotten until recently that I did in fact have this with Keely, so had been thinking this was a boy since it was similar to my last three pregnancies. Now I am stumped. I think my midwife should actually write up a case study on me, as this is exceptionally rare.

The other odd discomfort of this pregnancy has been a horrible pain under my left ribs. This primarily happens at night so I've assumed it was due to the weight of my belly pulling too far to the side and straining my muscles, but I also felt the pain was primarily on the skin and even wondered if I was going to break out with shingles. There is nothing visible and it doesn't itch, but I assumed the other day that potentially I have yeast on the skin. I am not convinced, but have been applying Tea Tree Oil and maybe that has worked, but either way, I enjoy the smell of it.

I think the most irritating aspect of this pregnancy, which isn't different than any other pregnancy thus far, is the absolutely rude comments shared by others concerning the size of my belly. I am continually amazed at the sizes of babies that come out of moms with the tinest bellies and vice versa. We are all built so unique. Some of us have tall abdomens and deep pelvises. I clearly have weak abdominal muscles, which allows the baby to fall forward. I also assume I have a short pelvis, because my fundus is palpable at seven weeks which is exceptionally rare. My belly appears gigantic, although it isn't exceptionally wide. The growth is all forward. Because of this I often hear, "When are they coming?" "You are having twins, right?!" "How far past your due date are you anyway!?" "We're really worried about you. Should you be out in public?" Yes, I just had that one the other day.

I think the most offended I have been though is at a class I took for NRP instructor certification last week. All other attendants were MDs, most of which were neonatology. I walked into the room and one lady quietly and kindly asked, "When are you due?" I responded, "Not for another month." This apparently gave another physician, who clearly was much younger than my little sister, the go-ahead to interrogate me about the clear indications that my pregnancy was far from optimal.

"When was your last ultrasound?" not at all quiet enough to be considered side conversation, but spoken loud enough so that everyone in the room turned their eyes to me.

Stunned at the odd question, "Ultrasound? Uh...weeks ago." Sort of chuckling and hoping to bring her into reality, "This is my fifth pregnancy." (Get the hint that I have no belly tone.)

"Do you know what the estimated fetal size is?" in a tone making clear that I am a complete idiot to have missed such an obvious issue. Praise the Lord this young physician was kind enough to point out that my pregnancy is filled with risk and anomaly, all without having asked me a single question or even touching my abdomen!

A bit annoyed... more than annoyed, but a bit too shocked for a great retaliation, "Normal size. I probably have a bit of poly," in a tone that says "no big deal."

That was the wrong response because she rolled her eyes at me, laughed in her undertone as if to say... or did she actually say... "You are an absolute idiot."

Afterwards I thought, what if in fact, I was carrying an anecephalic baby and decided to carry baby to term in hopes of a miracle and her line of questioning had revealed this tragedy to the entire class. I could have cried and stolen the attention of the entire class for a good hour. I probably would have gotten a more comfortable chair and even a free lunch. I am still debating if I should write a letter of concern regarding the immaturity and unprofessionalism of this resident. She did however, remind me that I have never had a desire to be an MD for this reason. A midwife never, ever would have been so ignorant.

Monday's Menu

I had a birth on Sunday, so didn't prepare our menu ahead of time. Keely has a hair cut on Monday afternoon though, in Lafayette, and then has a championship presentation in Indianapolis at 5pm. We'll be on the run!

Monday - Chick-Fil-A and something quick.
Last week I was invited to attend the Nursing 2000 Scholarship Banquet as a Nursing 2009 award winner and was inspired by the fabulous meal. Our salad had greens, mandarin oranges, raspberries and a raspberry dressing that tasted similar to a smoothy. The kids would have loved it.

Tuesday - Blueberry Lemon Loaf; Berry Salad with salad greens, 1 can mandarin oranges, 1 cup fresh raspberries, 1 cup shredded raw milk cheese, 1/2 cup almonds, raspberry vinaigrette dressing; Herb Ricotta Ravioli with Rhubarb pudding.

Wednesday - Chicken & Wild Rice soup; Steak Strips with rice and Foil wrapped potatoes and Black cheery-banana split: 1 banana, split lengthwise; 1 Jello-O black cherry flavor gelaton snack; 2 Tbsp cool whip.

Thursday - Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad: pour 2 Tbsp Caesar dressing over 1# chicken in resealable bag, coat, refrigerate 30 minutes. Thread chicken onto 4 skewers and grill 6 to 8 minutes. Grill 4 thick slices Italian bread, rub with garlic; brush with oil. Sprinkle with parmesan cheese. Lemon Ice: add 1 cup boiling water to 1 pkg lemon jell-o, stir 2 minutes. Stir in 1 cup seltzer, zest and juice from one lemon. Pour into square pan; cover. Freeze 3 hours then remove and let stand 10 minutes. Use fork to scrape gelatin mixture into small pieces; spoon into 6 dessert dishes and top with cool whip and a berry.

Friday -Chicken Parmesan Casserole

Saturday - BBQ ribs: boil completely covered ribs on stove, then simmer 20 minutes. Heat grill to medium heat and toast ribs for another 10 minutes or until done, while brushing generously with BBQ sauce. Add mac and cheese. Add BLT salad with romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes, croutons, bacon, shredded cheese, caesar dressing.

Sunday - Chicken salad panini: Mix 2.5 c chicken, 1/4 c mayo, bacon, green onion, and 2 Tbsp light Ranch dressing. Spread on bread, add cheese and tomatoes, grill on both sides.

This week's menu comes primarily from Kraft foods. Our progression towards healthy living is coming along. Kraft foods is not one of them! We have however made a complete switch to whole grains with our flour, pasta, and breads. Mike still fusses with the sandwich breads and often buys his own loaf, but he's coming around. We have expanded our diet in the vegetable garden. We are eating primarily organic. Our breakfast meals are overwhelmingly improved from last year's convenience foods. Mike bought Fruit Loops this week though, which was his first fall from grace in breakfast foods.

I've also decided I am going to host a kabob party after these last two babies are born. I have several recipes for various meats and veges and can't wait to share!

Home Maintenance Checklist

I'll admit that if Mike and I were asked what we like to do in our free time, we'd respond, "Work on the house, in the garage or in the garden." Odd, but we are homebodies and thoroughly enjoy our home. We are fully aware that this home was a blessing to us and validation of His desire for us to establish a home-based midwifery business. Our children love the house and really feel at home here, which really makes me feel like I have a heritage, which I have never known before.

We have many tasks on our "to do" list though and it seems everyday add new ones, and of course still have the list provided with our home inspection that we could work through, but I also found this home maintenance list from Better Home and Gardens.

We have spent quite a bit of time fixing up the inside of the house, including having a fabulous plumber fix our tub this week. It was always so slow to drain and got to the point where it would take hours to drain the water from a simple shower. Apparently old plumping begins to cave in on itself and narrow (cutting your husband's hair in the shower is also not wise), so we had the entire plumbing replaced with PVC (now Mike is sure we can cut his hair in there!). We had feared that we'd have to take the tub out entirely to reach all the plumbing, but somehow our master plumber figured out another strategy and I can't find any evidence of this mysterious fix other than the fact that the water actually goes directly down the drain!

Anyway, although I still have some inside plans I hope to finish this summer (including painting the dining room), eventually we need to paint and/or fix the siding on the outside of the house. I simply can't imagine. This job just is too big for us and I can't imagine the cost of having it done. I hear we have a beautiful red brick home underneath, but don't have enough optimism to believe we could remove the siding, fix some issues with the brick and leave it at that. This might be next year's task.

We need to have someone clean our gutters, check the tiles and the chimney. Mike is going to hang gutters on the garage this summer. We also need to fix some issues in the attic, clean the basement, and have our ducts cleaned.

We have a few windows that could be replaced, but none are bad. This will be a future project. We've had the windows open for weeks now and are absolutely LOVING it. I dread the day we have to turn on the air conditioner. The new screen door is loved more and more everyday too, because the screen is the entire length of the door, so I can see outside all the way from the kitchen. Fabulous.

Our water-heater will go out soon too, so we should really start planning ahead. The plumber didn't use near what we thought of our emergency fund, so we're thrilled!!

The garden is still in the works, but Noah and I added 80 marigolds, 20 alyssm, some more greens, 4 clematis and we all finished the remaining two pathways. We still have the center to complete and finish packing sand in between the bricks for security. The kids and I also finished their vegetable garden this last weekend.

Mike tilled the area and then Noah picked out the grass. We all put up the bamboo sticks again for the tent, planted babyboo and batwing mini-pumpkins around each stick, as well as moonflowers to grow up and canvas the tent. Noah and Keely planted to rows of Sunflowers in the back of the garden, a tall variety row and an inner teddy-bear row. Noah also planted four chili pepper plants (his favorite) and 16 strawberry plants, with some marigolds sprinkled throughout. We then mulched the entire area and Noah laid a brick path.

Keely has some loofah gourds she wants to plant because she has a horrible time with her feet, but we haven't figured out where to do that yet. Last year our gourds were stolen by area kids as they walked the back alley, so we aren't planting along the fence this year.

We have some dried flowers and a large hydrangea I got for Mother's Day to also get in the ground. We pruned the lilac bush, which I learned is suppose to be done immediately after it blooms. The Rose of Sharon and Azalea still need separated but Mike will have to work on that! Sounds like fun!

Monday's Menu

Monday - Whatever the kids want. Mom's at a birth and didn't get the menu done on Sunday!
Tuesday - Waffles, Lime Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad with apples, Sausage Potato Bake, Minty Lime Freeze
Wednesday - Berry Oatmeal Muffins, Mushroom Patties with steamed broccoli, Asparagus Cashew Rice Pilaf with salad
Thursday - Homemade Mac & Cheese, and something from the freezer with Greenbean & Mushroom Medley
Friday - Herb Ricotta Ravioli with Rhubarb pudding, Baked Fish with Three Cheese Scalloped Baked Potatoes and salad
Saturday - Blueberry Lemon Loaf, Chicken Parmesan Casserole, and something on the grill
Sunday - Chicken & Wild Rice soup, Steak Strips with rice and Foil wrapped potatoes

I need to check Sneaky Chef to see how we can use our yellow wax beans, because otherwise they will go to waste. We also have a lot of snap peas that I need to find use for.

Does anyone have a suggestion for a bread machine? I think I am going to put this on my Christmas list.

If only I had an extra $250...

I absolutely love this picture. Love it. Love it. Love it. Can't afford it. Not quite sure where I would put it. Absolutely Love it.

ROFLMAO!!!

The Lord is showing me his humor and I am loving every minute of it. Most of you already know, I chose to birth at home with my third child and the only available midwives were direct entry. I was aware that their practicing medicine without a license was illegal, but I understood that to mean if they cut an episiotomy or gave me medications they could be prosecuted and in the event those things were necessary, I would want a transfer anyway. I wasn't opposed to medical intervention; I just didn't feel it was necessary without reason and under these conditions, I wholeheartedly believed my actions to be within the boundaries of the law.

After my son was born however, medical intervention proved absolutely necessary and I asked my husband to call 9-1-1. When he picked up the phone, the midwives packed their belongings and left so they wouldn't get caught. I continued performing CPR on my son as I sat naked on the bed, awaiting the birth of my placenta.

I was traumatized and only functioning on what the midwives had so diligently instructed me, "You are to state in transfer that you were attended by friends." I was loyal, in spite of their abandonment. Unfortunately, this reinforced the persona that I was reckless and ignored risk, because I didn't even have a midwife present. The hospital staff was flabbergasted and my mother was outraged. She fed their frustration with me and requested Child Protective Services be called. The hospital removed our parental rights (later I learned, against a judge's orders).

The staff was well aware of my lactation profession and passion, so punished me by not allowing me to provide breastmilk and instead fed him artificial breastmilk. We had visitation rights and nothing more. They made clear this in itself was very generous of them.

Later when I requested copies of our medical records, I read notes the nurses documented of me throughout our eleven day stay. Brutal. "Mom laughing at the bedside. Dad tearful." The hatred was enormous. Nurses yelled at me and called me names. They would repeatedly ask me if I planned to birth at home, repeatedly pointing out all the numerous signs he demonstrated of profound brain injury (later proven by six pathologists in his autopsy to have occured months prior to birth).

They had made plans to transfer him to a nursing home where we could not care for him. When we retained an attorney and our rights were returned (although in reality never legally removed), having already shared our desire to terminate life support, they immediately removed his lines and intubation equipment without my even being present. Mike and I were then "allowed" to hold him with families in the NICU observing us. No doubt, this traumatized them as well. We were denied a private room. In the end, they threw the clothes away I had requested he be buried in and when Mike asked at his burial if they would open the casket and let him see our son one last time, we realized he was naked and wrapped only in those horrendous hospital blankets.

The hospital staff's hatred was passionate and intense. I was investigated for reckless homicide, child endangerment, medical neglect and conspiracy to commit a crime for hiring illegal midwives. Ultimately, the prosecutor and the coroner felt I was too educated to have chosen to birth at home. The nursing staff continued to slander me and violate HIPAA each time an associate of mine came in contact with them in anyway. Nurses would pick up occasional shifts at facilities I worked at and they would share a very twisted version of my story, illustrating me as this absolutely insane mother who wanted a homebirth so bad she was willing to kill her son for the experience. Gratefully, my co-workers respected my choices and wholeheartedly stood by my side, making clear to the uninformed and very judgmental nursing staff that what they had come to understand about my birth and my decisions was very far from the truth and that they should be exceptionally mindful of how they spoke and treated me. Praise the Lord for these women and men.

And...the humor...a birth assistant of mine just attended an NRP course at the hospital my son was transferred to and after sharing about our practice, the instructor was enlighted and asked the assistant if I would be willing to come in and teach the staff about homebirth!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Literally...on the floor laughing my ass off!

Four and a half years. Although from the forefront seems like an eternity, I am truly amazed at just how fast the perception of homebirth is changing. Maybe though, this is reward for our obedience and people are responding to our dedication to high standards. Homebirth is very safe, with a midwife who has some credibility and professionalism.

House Work

This past weekend and a few weekends prior to it, Mike and I have finished quite a few household tasks. We have a LONG list of chores to do and unfortunately, not many clients interested in bartering these days. Mike completed a chore though that I have wanted him to do since the day we moved in here. He found the old screen door to our front door, which the previous owners had stripped, rescreened and stained. It is gorgeous. And, he hung it!

The previous screen he says had to be custom made and weighed about a 100 pounds. I can't imagine, but it was heavy. It is still sitting on the front porch because it is too heavy for him to carry to the garage by himself. The new screen was without its spring though or handles, so I found some vintage handles on ebay for $12.00 and I am hoping they will look okay, because they are white like our mailbox. We drove to Menard's for a spring, but apparently left it in the cart because we can't find it at home anywhere. Maybe the next trip to Lafayette will be successful. I'll take a picture of the screen soon too!

Our tub has been an issue too that has taken much of Mike's time. The plumbing apparently is narrowing and it takes hours to drain and the boys playing in the sand and grass hasn't help the issue at all. The other day, I was talking with a client in the dining room and saw water running down our red walls. Yikes! Mike finally agreed to call a plumber and praise the Lord, one of the husbands of a client is a plumber so he came yesterday to give us an estimate. Unfortunately, the tub needs to be removed because there is no access to the plumbing, which all needs replaced. I can't imagine. Our tub is old, huge and heavy. We also have heavy, foe-marble walls. I love them and fear that not only will the work be tremendous but something will get broken that we can't afford to replace. The floor on the other hand is large white tiles, that are too stark white for a bathroom, so they look filthy all the time, and I'd love to have them replaced. Again, this is something that I am sure alone would be out of our budget, and we haven't received the estimate on the plumbing yet. We only have one bathroom though, so we can't stall too long.

I mentioned previously that we had finally gotten blinds and curtains hung, and this past weekend I strung four tie-backs from beads for the curtains. They are fabulous. Again, a picture to come.

The kids were great about jumping in and helping all weekend. I was pleasantly surprised. Then I overheard Noah as he played with a friend when I asked them to pick up some of the big rocks from the garden, "We do this every weekend - work in the yard and fix the house." The boy was passing him his empathy and apologies. Noah said, "I like it. At our old house we were really bored all the time." I think Noah really cherishes this house and knows that we are investing in his future home. He genuinely hopes to grow up and live here the rest of his life. I am grateful that he has such a strong sense of belonging here. What a peaceful feeling.

Mike must also have a similar feeling because he asked me this weekend how much it costs to move someone from grave yard to grave yard. I said I hadn't a clue, but imagined it was expensive. Why? He said he wanted to have Lyric moved to Thorntown. Awweee... Then he said, "That would be a nice mother's day gift, huh?" I couldn't imagine anything better. I mentioned it to the kids today when we were driving around town and they were both thrilled with the idea. It would be nice having him "home" for the first time. I only wish in the process we could have some clothes put on him and those horrendous hospital blankets removed. He doesn't care though, he only feels the arms of Christ wrapped around him.

Garden...Pictures to Come

Mike and I (mostly Mike) have been working hard on the garden this year. When we owned our first home together, we had three acres and lots of big plans. We thoroughly enjoyed the garden and had hoped to really expand it. The house however was a dump and much more work that even I had vision for. We moved into Lafayette and each year desperately missed working in the soil.

Our first summer here, we did have a small plot and our previously successful plants, such as corn and cucumber, did not survive. However, we harvested spinach, okra, onions and carrots for the first time. We canned several jars of spaghetti sauce, and because of the generosity of Franny, we had many jars of green beans as well.

This year, Mike enlarged our garden and tilled a 30x30 plot. These were our plans. We are laying a brick pathway, which is gorgeous but has also made us realize building our own patio is beyond our skill level. I found brick on Craigslist and Mike went to pick them up a few weeks ago. They were suppose to be ten cents a brick, but after loading the trailer, the seller doubled price and deleted the advertisement before Mike was able to return home to print proof. Even at twenty cents a brick, I think we found a great deal. Many of them were crumbled, and the vast majority had a broken corner, but they have character and were exactly what I was looking for in our old-fashioned garden. At this point, we have completed two of the four pathways and are beginning the third. We have also planted the four boxwoods in the center, and they are darling!

Mike dug up the pathways so we could sink the bricks, then he leveled the dirt. Afterwards we laid sand, which he bought at an amazing price. A large dump trailer full was only about $40.00, so the boys got their sandbox filled too and had hours and hours of just playing in the trailer. He leveled the sand and I carried bricks to him, as he laid them down the path. After the first path, we realized the remaining bricks still had large chunks of cement left on them, so Mike purchased a new drill or two and has been cleaning bricks each weekend since. We are hoping to finish this job over the weekend, but that is a bit optimistic. My blessingway is this weekend, as well as Candice's graduation from Anderson College.

Yesterday, Noah helped me plant:

• 6 cherry tomato plants


• 30 carrots


• 9 pepper plants, variety


• 3 rows of onions


• 8 lettuce heads


• 6 beefsteak tomatoes and 4 Roma


• 2 summer squash


• 3 rows of green beans (hoping to plant this twice this summer)


• 6 cucumbers


• watermelon radishes


• 8 asparagus

I am afraid I packed it all in a little too much, so I might be drowning in the garden at harvest. I still have about twenty seed packages, although most of them are flowers I could still plant around the perimeter. I have a HUGE bag of corn I had purchased for a friend, that likely won't be giving her garden much attention this year. How long do seed packages last?

This evening, Noah helped me pick out marigolds and alyssum which we will plant along the inside edges of the garden, and Keely chose four clematis that we will have climb trellises at the front and back entry-ways of the garden. I also grabbed 4 celery and 4 more lettuce heads we'll plant hopefully tomorrow. I have already potted several herbs, that I'll bring back into the garden as well.

I would love to add garlic, but that might have to wait until next year. We also have 50 strawberry plants in the refrigerator we need to plant. Noah and Samuel have a garden planned as well, which we'll surround with strawberries, but we're not sure where we'll place this in the yard!

Mike and I have looked a numerous ideas for putting a fence around the garden, primarily to keep Gus out. However, the prices were way out of our budget. We then thought we would build our own from bamboo, which would be much more heritage style anyway, but Mike thought this would take way too much time. Then this past weekend, we found short little picket fences for $3.00 a section. We bought two for each corner and two for each side of the two walkways without the climbing vines. It doesn't enclose the entire garden, but I am hoping it gives a visual presence to the garden that he'll avoid. The white fencing is quite contrasting to our black fencing otherwise and the black trellises, so the garden overall is very pleasing. I am so happy with our hard work.

In addition to our vegetable garden, this past weekend I planted 8 variegated hostas around the tree in our side yard which otherwise has simply been a large area of mulch. I am hoping to fill that in with shade plants so we don't have to continue mulching the area. While digging up for the hostas, I found about 50 lily bulbs beginning to grow. They were tiny, but I transplanted them beside the house. I sure hope they bloom, as I love cut flowers in the house. We also planted a few more perennials in the front of the house, but ultimately would love to put a water-fountain immediately in front of our big picture window. A lactation consultant I use to work with purchased a breastfeeding fountain and I have coveted it ever since, but can't find one anywhere.

In the back yard, I planted a few peonies and am thrilled to see the hostas I split and transplanted from last year thriving, although I clearly transported some mint as well. This is such an invasive plant, but I don't really mind. We have it everywhere and it smells fabulous. We lost several perennials too, when Mike had the waterline placed. It didn't occur to him to ask about the flowers. He just buried them under and I think they're lost somewhere among the piles of dirt we relocated and redistributed.

Mike leveled most of the back yard, which nearly killed him, and then I seeded it. Noah is helping me keep it watered. Our nursing honor winnings provided us a TruGreen service for the year and I am so thrilled with the changes after just one application. I am a forever client, although am in denial at the horrible chemicals I am contaminating the world with, particularly in my own front yard.

I forgot to mention that Noah and I dug up a dead tree right outside our back-door (one the kids and I attempted to transplant last year, but clearly killed in the process). I replaced the tree with a weigela bush, which will be fabulous because it shouldn't block our path, but still give some color in the partial shade. We have an azalea plant and a large rose of sharon that appear to be planted in the exact same spot. I couldn't tell last year what the big mess was, but I thought it was a rose of sharon with lots of shooters from the tree. This year I caught the blooms and realize, we have two large fabulous plants growing within each other. I am terrified to think how we are going to remedy this...like separating Siamese twins.

Lots more to share, but I'll give you a break for now. I promise too, that we'll share pictures as soon as I figure out our camera issues. I can't wait to hear your feedback.

'If you understand your position in life, you can change your condition in life'....

There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to take a close look at herself. Not at her circumstance, not at what she did, not how unfair life is, or at who made you do it. She has to just look at herself in all her glory and imperfection. Have you ever admired a woman who has been through changes in her life? Or have you made up in your mind that she is just messed up. Before you make this mistake, take a closer look. A woman who has endured the most unusual life is someone of wisdom, someone who has been chosen by God to go through things that have made her stronger.

Think of all the great women in the Bible: Mary Magdalene, Ruth and Naomi, the woman with an issue of blood, and Esther, to name a few. Mary was a prostitute, a very uneasy woman. But by the time God was done with her, she was His closest follower. Esther was unfortunate in marrying an abusive man, but by the time God was done with her, she had married one of the wealthiest men in the land.

Women are so quick to beat the next one down instead of trying to hold her up. Before you wonder, 'What's up with her?' ask yourself, 'What's up with me?' That woman could be my mother, sister, aunt, in-law, stepmother, niece, grandmother, great-grandmother, neighbor, friend, or co-worker, etc. That woman could be ME. Women are the carriers of life, not the channels of death. Let's build and encourage each other, as did Ruth and Naomi. Pass this to all the women in your life. Encourage and love, forgive and forget, and trust that the woman that receives this will be touched in some way.

'I can not change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination......'

"Yes Lord"...I want my miracle....

Samuel's New Diapers

Gus made us aware early this morning that we had received our diaper delivery. They brought a cosco diaper pail, numerous liners, a deodorizer, five snappies and a large package of the softest diapers I think I've ever felt. Just as I suspected, Samuel is thrilled with his new diapers.

He tells us, "I peed. Samuel needs change diaper."

He also loves the diaper wipes warmer and you simply can't imagine how much more pleasant he is to change since we have figured all this out. Before he would scream like he was being burned or beaten, but we never related it because he was really just mad. He is so sweet now with diaper changes, and requests them. I am hoping this will be the start to some potty training, but am not overly optimistic with a new baby on the way.

When Samuel was little we used cloth wipes in addition to the diapers. I primarily used baby washrags and they worked fine, but I've ordered some larger, thicker cloth wipes from here. As I understand, I can use them in his diaper warmer. I think I need about 48 and I only ordered 15, mostly because I liked the hemp wipes with rainbow edging and I ordered all they had.

I used honey chunks to use the wipe solution and really enjoyed them, but when we got lazy and started using disposable diapers, we did the same with wipes. Last week however, I found a bottle I had made wipe solution in and was terrified it would be smell horrific. Surprisingly, it was still very pleasant. What I had used was plain water with dissolved honey chunks. They are quite cheap and are well worth the money. My contribution to my son's bottom and his earth.

Monday's Menu or NOT!

We had an exceptionally busy weekend (another upcoming post), so I didn't get Monday's Menu completed this week. I was planning to work on that today and knew I had some great beef burger's in the basement and some fresh asparagus in the refrigerator, so we were set yesterday. Today, I had a home visit and when I returned, Keely called from her new job and said she woke up late and forgot to take her lunch. I drove in town to grab her something and then thought it might be nice to get everyone a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut. This is not at all something I would choose for myself, but it is a "special treat" for Mike and the Kids, so I thought I would surprise them.

I asked Noah if he would run in and place an order for each of us, and we always get the same thing. His preteen mind however, barely functions these days, so he asked me to write it down. I grabbed a sticky note and pencil and wrote down... 2 pepperoni, 2 sausage, and 1 bacon/ham. Then I asked him if he would add a blueberry dessert pizza. He placed the order and we ran a few other errands.

When we returned, Samuel was completely asleep, so Noah grabbed my card and ran in to pick up the pizzas. A few minutes later he walks out with the manager and two huge stacks of pizzas! I was a bit confused and my first thought was how wasteful they were, because all the personal pans could have fit in one box. This was a lot of cardboard headed to the landfill for no reason and too, it made me feel like a bad mom for sending him in by himself, but clearly had they put them in one pizza box, he could have managed.

Then it hit me. "Noah, did you order personal pan pizza's?"

"Mom, I just gave him your sticky and ordered the apple dessert pizza?"

"Noah," I fearfully asked, "How much did you pay?"

"I dunno."

"Do you have my card?"

"Yeah."

"Do you have a receipt?"

"Yeah."

"How much did you spend?"

"$74.71"

It was either going to be a lot of yelling or a lot of laughing and I think I laughed for two hours. Praise the Lord, my husband choose to laugh with us. You should have seen his face when we pulled into the drive way and Noah had pizzas stacked on his lap to his eyebrows!

So...clearly, I am not posting Monday's Menu. We'll be eating pizza all week!

Stress & Anxiety

Several years ago I worked with a woman whose husband was seriously depressed, so much so that he couldn't maintain a job and she was required to work far beyond the expectation of any mother. My fellow nurses always spoke poorly of her husband and repeatedly encouraged her to leave him, even judging her harshly for not doing so. Not only did he stay at home full-time, but he didn't help with the chores, or schooling the kids, or even driving them to their events.

This woman and I weren't particularly close in anyway and probably I annoyed her just a bit, as I have always been a go-getter and my experience often superseded my age, which was intimidating and assumingly haughty to many "more mature" nurses. One day as she was being ridiculed after literally crying to the nursing staff about her marriage and discouraging situation, I listened but provided no input. At some point that night she commented to me that she realized I thought she was stupid and was apologetic for not leaving him.

I responded to the contrary and shared that if she were opening up with the nursing staff that her husband had terminal cancer and needed 24/7 physical care, they would support her as she cried and vented about her tough situation. Her husband has an illness and she vowed and is expected to stand by her husband. She was absolutely stunned and over the next few months, "we became secret friends."

Unfortunately, I haven't remained faithful to my own advice. My husband has severe anxiety. I think the advocate in me fell in love with him, desiring to protect this very handsome man. When we first met, he had rarely ever eaten in public places. He genuinely felt the entire world was staring at him. Mike felt this was one reason his previous marriage failed though, so he was committed to taking me places. Unfortunately, this meant I had to learn the rules that would make this doable for him. We had to choose a restaurant with fewer than five cars in the parking lot. We had to request a booth. I had to choose the side that faced people and I wasn't allowed to talk above a whisper so I wouldn't draw attention. He would stare at his plate, cover his mouth as he chewed and after he scarfed his food down, he left and waited for me in the car.

He has always had trouble completing a sentence because to even speak more than a few seconds, drawing attention to himself, caused him anxiety. I often became irritated with him because not only could we not communicate, but I knew he wasn't listening to me because he was so worried about everything else that may or may not be occurring around him. We had to sit in the back of the church and to even get him there was an enormous accomplishment. Bible study in small groups is not really an option. The kids would often miss field trip opportunities because if Mike drove them and realized the area might be too small so that he didn't have an area to seclude himself, or several people had shown up, he would just drive the kids home.

Maybe what irritated me the most was how much drama he puts into the simple routine of getting ready for work each day. When he works evenings, he knows the minute he wakes up that he has to prepare for work that afternoon. He can't do anything, go anywhere, or really hold a conversation because he may become distracted and be late. Then all week he worries about all the many chores that are piling up because he doesn't have anytime and leaves no time for playing with his kids.

As a midwife, I have always wanted him to fall in love with me all over again in labor and birth, as I have witnessed hundreds of other couples through their own experience. Mike's focus is always on himself - his comfort - the noise - the mess - who is looking... I can't help but see this focus, this anxiety, this drama, as selfishness and so I become bitter.

The sad truth is, it was so much easier to be the friend giving advice on how to be a supportive wife and encouraging her in her vows, than it is to really be that person who must step up and do the work. Stress and anxiety plagues a large number of the population, so much so that it is one of the most frequently encountered problems I have in my practice.

A few years ago, Mike spoke with his physician about the issue, which again was a huge step because he felt he was succeeding and he was really. His father and all his uncles, his grandfather and so forth, were all alcoholics. Not the abusive reckless sort of abuser, but ones that self-medicated so that they could function in society. Mike didn't want to depend on alcohol, so he just struggled. He also knew how far he had come in stepping into a Red Lobster, when he couldn't even sit in McDonald's before. The physician did medicate him and it was astonishing how different he became.

He could speak. He could argue! I was a bit taken back, because he always caved before, but now he stood up to me. Honestly, I felt relieved. My husband became a man with potential to lead our family! What surprised him the most is that he stood up for himself to most everyone. He voiced his concerns at work. He even became the spokesman for a group of co-workers in staff meetings and most amazingly, applied for a team leadership position. He has not been able to speak up for himself to his two oldest girls however, or his parents. This may never come, which is unfortunate because they really haven't gotten to know their father.

However, I share this because I am realizing just how common this is and hadn't really any idea before. Mike's pharamaceutical therapy is fabulous, but it also has risks and down-sides. Primarily, we know these treatments only last a short while, often only a few years and then it can be a challenge finding another drug that works as well. If he misses a pill, he becomes very sick. His body is quite dependent on it. The drug, while allowing him to relax, also causes him to sleep a lot. Most importantly, as all western medical treatment, this drug is a shot-gun approach and really doesn't support the body or address the actual issue that is causing his imbalance. I am interested in a long-term holistic approach and of course, a faithful commitment to my husband and his trial.

In searching for our solution, I have been reminded that the body responds to stress via the sympathetic nervous system - a fight or flight response. After the stress is removed, our parasympathetic system helps restore our body to its natural state. Unfortunately, Mike was experiencing stress on a fairly frequent occurrence, so there was no real opportunity for his body to recover. This affects his immune system and even though I am pregnant and should be the one getting sick the most, Mike is always suffering from some ailment, including skin cancers. Stress alters your mood, decreases energy, and depletes various nutrients from our bodies.

Each and every American is aware that nutrition is vital to our health, yet only the rare person gives this any real credit. It is simply too much work and we want the quick fix. Mike has a horrible diet. In spite of his thin build, he eats more sugar than a class full of seventh graders. The nitrates alone that he consumes, causes me great anxiety. His caffeine intake is also embarrassing. All the most harmful substances we are warned against, are the foundation of Mike's diet.

As I have shared, I've earnest tried to change our families nutrition. I haven't been too successful because my husband has his own bank card and stronger cravings than even I do at seven months of pregnancy. He has accepted though, whole grains and is slowly introducing himself to more fruits and vegetables. He resists though the vast majority of what I bring in here and will simply send the kids to the IGA for corn dogs or lunch meat. I am prayerful that he will at some point be open to my concerns and genuinely try to create changes that would not only improve his health, but the health of his children and myself.

Vitamin B, in generous amounts, is a first step in correcting his imbalances. These vitamins restore the nervous system and during stressful times, which we all are facing within the recession, are needed in even greater amounts. For this to be successful though, he needs to genuinely seek a greater sense of calmness and balance.

Other compounds that can assist however, are L-Theanine, Rodiola Rosea, GABA, Valerian, and Botanicals.

L-Theanine
I have written about amino acids in the past and their relationship to depression, but this one as well has proven beneficial. Asian teas are used for their relaxation effects, because they have L-Theanine, a neurologically active amino acid. The L-Theanine lessens the caffeine stimulant on the nervous system. Studies have shown that within 30 to 40 minutes of consuming 50 mg or 200 mg of L-Theanine, there is an increase in alpha wave activity or electrical signals produced by the brain associated with sleep. Anxious people typically have fewer or smaller alpha waves, so L-Theanine may foster a state of alert relaxation for these individuals.

Rhodiola Rosea

This compound is often used by physicians during their first two weeks on night duty because it assists in stimulating the nervous system, improving depression, enhancing work performance, improving sleep, eliminating fatigue and preventing altitude sickness. It is suggested that this plant has great utility as a therapy in asthenic conditions, characterized by a decline in work performance, sleep disturbances, poor appetite, irritability, hypertension, headaches and fatigue.

GABA

A recent client of mine, an herbalist, spoke frequently of GABA and its miraculous affects. Beyond the Vitamin B and continued nutritional changes, this maybe our first strategy with Mike. In the central nervous system, GABA is the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter. It exerts anticonvulsant, sedative and anti-anxiety effects at the cellular level. Orally, people use this to relieve anxiety, elevating mood, relieving premenstrual syndrome, and treating attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder. Some botanicals appear to work at least in part, by affecting GABA in some way. There aren't published clinical trials however, so recommending a specific dose has been challenging.

Valerian

Valerian root is a popular botanical used for its mild sedative and tranquilizing properties. As a midwife, I use this for therapeutic rest. Often we'll have mothers, typically first time mothers, that have a long latent phase of labor and become discouraged. They really just need to rest and let the body begin again with more energy, offering more success. The German Commission E recommends valerian root one or more times a day for "restlessness and nervous disturbance of sleep." This botanical has also shown benefit in social anxiety situations and with anxiety disorders. Some of its components inhibit the breakdown of GABA, which helps explain some of its relaxing properties. Bedtime doses within research are often between 400 mg to 900 mg two hours prior to desired sleep, although this might be too high for daytime. For purposes of anxiety, a dose of about 250 mg of valerian root extract standardized for 0.8 percent valerenic acid would be more appropriate.

Additional Botanicals

Lemon Balm has been used for thousands of years for nervous system disorders, such as: nervous sleeping disorders, tenseness, restlessness, and irritability. There has even been a randomized, double blind, crossover study, showing lemon balm's ability to increase calmness in healthy volunteers. In another study, lemon balm combined with valerian root provided a significantly larger proportion of people with an improvement of quality of sleep compared to the placebo group.

Passion flower is a mild sedative and again, another double-blind trial demonstrated improvements in participants who took the herb. Another study demonstrated the combination of valerian and passion flower to be useful for anxiety. This herb is also fairly commonly used for postpartum blues with success.

Scullcap was used as a sedative historically, for insomina and nervous tension. A double-blind, control study demonstrated people who take a single dose of scullcap experienced dramatic relief in anxiety, lasting a minimum of two hours.

References regarding this information can be obtained from Gene Bruno via e-mail at hgranato@vpico.com or visiting http://www.hsrmagazine.com/, author of Stress & Anxiety: Natural Relief, (July, 2005).