No Way You Could Fail

What would you do if there was no way you could fail? If you were 10 times smarter than the rest of the world?

What are five things you dream of having, being, and doing in that order. Do not limit yourself, and do not concern yourself with how these things will be accomplished. For now, it's unimportant. This exercise will reverse repression.

I would self-identify as a dreamer. I am a woman who has overcome a very unhappy childhood to accomplish a great deal, personally and professionally. I believe my friends and associates would very much agree as well, but the above question is a considerable challenge for me. I am not sure why. I don't have any real difficulty saying that I'd like for my practice to hit 4.5 million a year in five years because that would mean that we are healing people, midwifery is advancing as a profession, and homebirth is increasingly realized as a viable and respectful option. I fear though that the reason I am struggling with the above question is because I am judging myself, or maybe even fooling myself. I am not entirely sure what I want outside of what I have beat my drum to for so many years.

In three months, I'll turn 40 and I am learning that what I once was willing to fight for to the very end is in fact, bringing about my early demise. I now seek more rest, more peace, more freedom, more excitement, and more sand between my toes. I can't say that there is anything material that I desire really, except a clean house. I don't care for fame, fortune or prestige. I would like to share what I've learned about homebirth, midwifery and owning a business similar to my own simply so those coming after me can surpass me and my life's work will go on beyond myself.

I suspect I am coming to the part of my life where I seek a little Eat, Pray, Love. I want to start implimenting mini-retirements throughout my life rather than working myself into the grave, missing my kids grow up, and then being too old and tired to continue what I love, because I do love what I do and want to practice midwifery as long as I am of sound mind.

My vices and insecurities... what would improve my self-worth? I would love to get super fit. I would love to get back to being so addicted to working out that it was harder for me to stay out of the gym then to get there every day. I want to feel the torment of a good workout when I lay in bed at night with all my muscles aching, and even worse when I awake in the morning after leg day.

I would really love to relax on the beach a few times a year, meet people across the world and see how they live differently than myself, and see the beauty of our magnificant world. I'd love to take life slow and see the simple things I far too often miss because I am scrambling to accomplish the never ending to-do list.

Is it odd that people spend so much time moaning about their work and it holding them back from their dreams and then struggle to articulate exactly what they desire? I am a bit perplexed myself.

What would I do day-to-day if I had a million dollars in the bank? What would make me most excited to wake up in the morning to another day?

Sun. Fresh air. I absolutely loved reading books on the deck of the ship, drinking mojitos, and smiling at my husband and kids as they passed by or woke from their slumber. I loved writing and reflecting, then walking about the new countries we visited and meeting new people, listenting to their language, tasting their food, learning about their culture. I love bicycling and swimming, climbing and hiking. I also adore working in my practice, improving the care, encouraging my staff, connecting with babies and watching couples overcome. I do love my profession. I love being an advocate. I love the challenge and I love intelligent conversation.

One place to visit: Netherlands, Africa, Ireland
One thing to do before I die: I would love to catch my grandchild, but this is a personaal desire and leaves no wisdom or impression on the future generation. I also greatly respect the intimacy of childbirth and would in no way be offended if i wasn't offered this opportunity, as long as my child and their spouse took the experience very seriously. I would love to witness all my children and grandchildren be baptized!

I suppose I don't envision any grand experience any more than the quiet times talking and laughing with my children, or in having a great conversation with a friend. I love being challenged and appreciate anyone who is willing to have an intelligent conversation. It is an honor when someone takes the time to disagree with me and help flesh out the conflicting perspectives. This is such a high for me, as I love learning from others and too often, people are intimidated or easily offended, or quite frankly, are too lazy to think critically.

One thing to do daily: read my Bible, pray, workout, eat vegetables, read to my kids and of course, get naked with my husband
One thing to do weekly: bike ride, swim, ride my motorcycle, read a book, blog, teach a class, go to lunch with a friend
One thing I've always wanted to learn: I have tried most everything I've ever dreamt of doing but either time or funds limited me. Today my desire is to see the world, to relax, to enjoy, and to learn about Functional Medicine and on occasion, catch a baby.

What would I like to be and therefore, do? I would love to connect with people who aren't responsible to me or I to them. I'd like to create relationships that don't involve midwifery. I'd like to just laugh with a friend about nothing. Enjoy a mojito. Rather than do more, I'd like to do less and enjoy life. Doing less means being more physically active but not in effort to accomplish anything other than joy.

What four dreams do I have? I've always thought it would be great to work for two months, and then have a month free to travel and focus entirely on my friends and family. Then repeat again and again. I'd love to own a smaller home with character and charm, that required less work, and would love a gorgeous garden I could collect herbs and flowers from as I desired.

What are the cost of my dreams? I wonder if I could find a travel agent to quote me for a round-the-world trip - Los Angeles, Toyko, Singapore, Bangkok, Delhi or Bombay, London, Frankfurt, Los Angeles and home? What is my monthly target income to achieve these goals? I suppose I don't think beyond target goals for my practice, because I have yet to meet these. My identity has been so wrapped up in my practice, I haven't thought outside of that. What might this cost me? What reserve do I need?

I didn't even consider having a personal assistant, or administrative assistant, a landscaper, a housekeeper. I use to feel these sorts of things were far too extravagant for someone in a servant's role, but I can't serve myself, my family and my clientele without help. I am overcoming this insecurity. I need employed help for my home life to sustain itself in a healthy manner. Neglecting my own diet and sleep doesn't allow me to work at my best, or allow me to raise health, happy children.

I need a mentor. Where does one find a mentor? A mentor in learning how to stop, and enjoy life. I spend too much time researching and not enough time finding someone who has done it, although there really aren't those people in my profession!

I am working towards the 4-hour work week!