The Fall

Eve's first mistake was engaging in conversation with Satan. Do I do this? I think I do at times, which is quite convicting. I generally talk myself out of it, but I do play around with the idea and let Satan try to convince me at times.

Satan is fabulous at revising, generalizing, and embellishing. He's a schemer (Ephesians 6:11). It is easy to become his victim. When we don't want to come under God's authority, we begin to question the Word and Satan is available to validate our rationale.

Satan creates Doubt. "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"

He discourages us. Creates a diversion. He appealed to Eve's self-determined "rights" and plasures through a lie that created a lust within Eve. The serpent focused Eve's attention upon the one prohibition until she forgot that everything else in the garden was hers. She may have wondered whether she was being unjustly kept from something good. The serpent planted in Eve's heart a seed of discontent with God and her circumstances.

Defeats us and causes us delays. "You will not surely die," he said. The devil caused her to lose her healthy fear of disobeying God and to doubt His word concerning punishment. Adam and Eve did die immediately in spirit, and in time, they also died physically.

Eve didn't just eat the apple; she made a serious of small choices that led to the fall. When presented with the choice to doubt God's Word, Eve should have refused to listen further out of loyalty to God. She should have shut the door in her mind and cried out to the Lord. She could have turned to Adam to help her resist the temptation.

I think another important point to the fall is that Adam and Eve weren't cursed, they were given consequences. Was Eve's consequence simply painful childbirth as many believe, or pain in child-rearing which includes her oldest murdering his brother? She lost her son to evil and that pain is greater than any labor a woman may endure.

"The Lord banished them from the garden, but He gave them hope. He provided a way back. When God created Adam and Eve in His own image, He did not intend for them to love and obey Him simply because they had no choice. The man and woman would mature spiritually as they learned from God to choose good instead of evil (Hebrews 5:14). They had the opportunity and responsibility to exercise their will, to choose deliberately either for God or against God, through their response to God's generosity to them and then His clear direction" (BSF, 2013, Lesson 5). As with all of God's tests, the test of the two trees held the potential for blessing.

Imagine having eaten the apple, not only did they hear the voice of their Father calling them but immediately upon eating the apple, they had full knowledge of their sin. I imagine the truth overcoming them like a storm. They could hear it from the distance, smell it even. Colors began to change and they were soon enveloped by the truth, crouching in fear of what they had done and what they know to be true. They realized that their knowledge of good now was that they could not attain it.

Swiffer & the Shark

The kitchen is my least favorite room to clean, but it is my favorite room to enjoy once it's completely clean. I think the primary reasons are because the floor is ceramic tiling and not a smooth variety, so are exceptionally hard to clean. Wiping the cabinets clean is even more daunting, and the laundry is always spilling into the kitchen from the laundry room, which might be the greatest battle of the entire kitchen to conquer.

The Lord convicted me last week however, in the midst of a whine that I can never keep up and always seem to have loads and loads to clean, fold and put away. Our family is so incredibly blessed with the chore of never-ending laundry because it means we have a plentiful wardrobe. When I was growing up, my mother struggled to provide us clothing for us. Goodwill didn't hold nearly the good deals as it does today.

My children have no memory of being without or just making do. I was reminded too that because we discovered a fabulous laundry soap recipe, we are only paying a penny a load (besides water and electricity cost) and Mike seems to rather enjoy making the soap.

The floor is another story and the real reason I am writing this particular post. We had bought the sweeper Swiffer and the mop. The sweeper won't stay charged long enough to sweep even half my kitchen and yes, we've tried every method for ensuring a proper charge. It's going back to the store. I am hoping it is in fact defective, because the idea is grand and I'd be thrilled to have a working vacuum sweeper for the kitchen and wood stairs. The mop isn't horrible. It is easy to manipulate and does an fairly good job of cleaning the floor, but we were recently told that a new steam mop, the Shark, is "the new and greatest thing" for mopping ceramic tile. Mike and I went to Wal-Mart that evening and purchased one.

I like it. I am not in love, but I have mopped my kitchen three times this week, so I suppose I might be falling in love. I suspect part of the issue is that my floors were really bad and with each mopping are looking better and better. The head on the mop is cloth so you can stick it in the washer and switch it out with a second one. This fact alone I am grateful for as it seems with each new convenience, comes more disposable product to pack into the nearest landfill.

The steam released from the mop is rather satisfying as well. I also enjoy that the floor is almost immediately dry under your feet. This is a huge bonus with the number of children and animals in our house, each persistent in being beneath my heels while I clean. What I wonder now is, can I use a cleaning product in the Shark rather than plain water? Would this help in the cleaning process or is the steamed water enough? Not having another chemical cleaner is also very exciting.

The kids and I cleaned the pantry today too. Urgghh... we found three brand new containers of salt, three chocolate ice cream toppings, three peanut butter jars, and numerous other identical boxes all partially used. We are slowly transitioning into using glass canisters in our pantry, so we can more easily see our supply. This is handy too when we buy from the co-ops in bulk (again less packaging and better overall product to put into our bodies).

We've been organizing a bit here and there the past few weeks and currently I am up-loading all my music to iTunes. I have definitely fallen in love with Apple. The Nurse Midwives in the practice have each gotten an iPad and iPhones and can't imagine how I worked without them. HP seems to become more frustrating each day, now that I know what the garden looks like from the other side.

Organizing the boy's closet is on my list, although we've already gone through their summer/winter clothes. I am concerned about keeping Noah's clothes because I doubt my other two boys will be as slim as he is and if I keep his clothes, then they may never get worn and I'll have wasted opportunity to give them to someone that could use them. I haven't a clue who has a boy as slim as Noah though.

Anyway, I love this old house and it makes mothering, being a wife and overall homemaking incredibly enjoyable. I love it just as it is, but slowly we are working to make it more homey for us. We have switched out some lightening that had some frayed wires, and Lowe's has impressed me with their selection that really does honor the old character of this home. I still need to find a light for the back stairway, the dining room and the boy's room. The chandelier in our bedroom is off center and I'd love to have someone move that. Yes, I am OCD enough that it bothers me to wake up and see my off center chandelier. The bathroom cosmetic remodel is on the agenda in the next few years. I really like subway tiles and think I might do that or bead-boarding. Not sure yet. I want something welcoming, comfortable, and easy to clean. I can't thank the Lord enough for providing us this home and my sweet little family. Lord, I also appreciate the Shark.

Another Cookie Crumb

Since my son's death, I have asked the Lord for understanding. He has been faithful, merciful, and provided me a crumb, but no more than a crumb and not until the exact moment He desired. Each time I was also reminded to be a big girl and use that crumb to understand His Love, His Protection and His Will rather than let the painful truths of this world conquer me. He makes continually clear that He has a job for me and expects me to stay on task, in faith.

Today, the crumb I was provided came through a client's journey through her pregnancy and birth. I'll admit that each of my clients are rather special and I treasure nothing more than just sitting and getting to know them, but this particular couple I genuinely wish we could have weekly devotions together. Great thinkers. Inspiring. Faithful. Accountable. The Lord has blessed me with a few of those people in my life lately.

This couple, who I have never met prior to our initial interview, is within the social group I found such refuge prior to my son's death. I have shared on my blog before that the church my husband and I were baptized in was a genuine saving grace for us. The minister was phenomenal and still one of my most favorite people. The years I spent serving in that church are truly some of the most precious moments of my life. We moved a bit too north to stay actively involved so sought out another church during my pregnancy with Lyric, yet still thought of them as our family. Ironically, only two people from the church, none from my mid-week Bible study group, came to our son's funeral and we were a bit dumbfounded.

They were our only family and we were rather surprised to have been so forgotten in such a short time period. We never really returned to this church because honestly, I feared I harbored some bitterness. It was painful and I had no ability to understand their abandonment. However, I was also well aware of how I can be a person of good intentions and clearly have let way more people down than I care to admit. Over the years, I have simply come to remember that time in our life as where the Lord chose to put a fire under me as a baby Christian. I am grateful but clearly, their vision of me must remain that of a baby Christian.

As this client's pregnancy has progressed we have shared sweet memories about particular people in the church and they have briefly shared some of their struggles as others have persecuted their decision to birth at home with a midwife. I wasn't surprised as I was pursuing midwifery while a member there and was told by my spiritual mentor that she thought midwifery was crazy, "Why would any woman want to birth without an epidural! I wanted mine immediately!" I was speechless that this particular women, who I had viewed as the epiphany of faithful living, was blind to her own idol. She was completely unaware that she was pushing the Lord out of her pregnancy and birthing experiences. I think that was genuinely the first time I realized that Great Spiritual Mentors are also, human. My eyes needed to remain in the Word and from that point forward, they did.

This particular family I met with today had a fabulous pregnancy, a beautiful birth, and a joyful postpartum experience. They are bathing in the blessing the Lord has promised them for their faithful obedience. (Not that homebirth is His will for everyone, but it was for this family and they followed in complete faith facing the persecution with great honor.)

Today, the family met yet another persecutor and I think Dad was searching for a tiny bit of validation that his faith wasn't blind or prideful. He was seeking more truth to better understand the Lord's direction. I think He left even more on fire after our visit and I am grateful the Lord continues to demonstrate that He has every tiny speckle of my life covered. I don't want to share too much of the revelations I was offered today and appear to dishonor any particular sister in Christ, but I was reminded that faith is a spiritual gift.

There have been many times in my spiritual walk that I have been judged for not serving enough, not giving enough, not being a shepherd or teacher, but I know that the Lord has blessed me abundantly with faith and with encouragement. I know this also means that while I am no more gifted at service, there are others of little faith. They are no less in love with the Lord as I. However, this also means that my line of work terrifies them. It means that my faith can intimidate them, just as I can be intimidated by their acts of service. It reminds me that as long as I am in the will of God, I can expect to be persecuted as Christ was and is...and that I will remain separated from the world...I will seek His Holiness.

Thank-you Sarah for reminding me that my presence isn't always what others reject, but the memory and pain I might bring them in remembering our tragedy. Please bring peace to those that still harbor fear because of Lyric's death.

Thank-you Friends for reminding me that the Lord will use a single thread to guide you, like a bumper magnet, and what He asks is to be sensitive to His voice. Please sharpen my awareness to the Holy Spirit so that I can remain in Your will at all times.

Thank-you Lord for reminding me that you will always have my back. Thank-you for understanding me, for loving me, for lifting my burdens and for providing me such peace. Thank-you for teaching me. Thank-you for forgiving me and most importantly, thank-you for gifting me with faith in your saving grace.

Casting My Net

The past two weeks have been a bit crazy, but as with any drama, life lessons are learned. This past week, the Lord reconfirmed for me that midwifery is His request of me and to keep marching forward against the wind. We have had many clients present clinical scenarios that while evidence supports expectant management, or a watch and wait approach, the community standard is to intervene. Childbirth however never offers a guarantee. I can do everything right and we may still have a bad outcome. This allows fear to creep into the mind of the provider and we begin to ask ourselves, "What will other professionals think? Will I be held liable simply because I didn't follow the crowd?"

I have had strong conviction that if I am the only one to stand on evidence, then I will be the only midwife doing so. I learned several years ago the blatant difference between fearing man and fearing God. I continue to pray, step out in faith, and trust that even if I step into a storm, the Lord's glory will prevail. My staff doesn't always hold the same conviction however, and this past week, one of my loyal assistants crumbled under the pressure. Her net was full of desperation and despair.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- His good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2


Her fear was an opportunity for me to reexamine my faith, my walk, my sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. Am I still walking where He has led me? Have I started to walk on my own without listening for His voice? After prayer, I had little doubt that Satan was working to prevent us from throwing out our net and I needed to continue supporting my client in faith. I felt clear direction where to cast my net and as long as I followed Him, I would catch hundreds of fish. Overwhelmingly I was reminded...I will follow Him where ever He leads me...you will see much greater things...do you fear man, or your Father...great callings are those that are pursued with greatness.

I have a sense of joy as a midwife that doesn't make sense to the people in the world watching me. I am okay with that. I have peace beyond understanding. Holiness is, in fact, separating oneself from the crowd. I have learned through Old Testament studies that it is better to walk alone with the Lord into battle then to create relationships with false allies. As long as I hear direction to cast my net, I will do so. I have been well prepared for the storms ahead and have learned well where to find protection. I will have faith that I will catch babies in abundance.

Fearless

Have you ever learned a new Biblical principle and then thought, "I know just who that applies to!" I always try to self-reflect when that thought slips into my head because early in our marriage I was very guilty of trying to be my husband's Holy Spirit. Unfortunately, I slipped again this week.

I was at the book store buying Easter gifts and saw a book by Max Lucado, one of my favorite authors, Fearless. It reminded me of friends who are currently facing some significant challenges. I thought I would gift the book to them, but having experienced my own tragedies I know gifting books can come in abundant supply from friends who just don't know how else to help. My mind always raced too much to sit and read, so I thought maybe I could preread the book and store up some of its wisdom to share with them, maybe even blog about it.

Max Lucado has an amazing talent of storytelling. I can read one of his books in a single sitting, drooling over each word. He brings to light so many truths that really light my soul on fire for Christ. One point I was reminded of was that disciples can expect tribulation. It's not the absence of storms that set us apart. "Jesus got into a boat, and his followers went with him. A great storm arose on the lake." One might think that after immediate obedience rather than a storm, a rainbow would appear. Not so. Getting on board with Christ can mean getting soaked with Christ.

Fear corrodes our confidence in God's goodness. We begin to question His love. I struggled with this a great deal as a child, but have made tremendous strides. I have learned to not to fear man, but to focus on the eternal purpose of my tribulations. My life struggles have greatly blessed my life and deepened my faith. I continued reading with the naive belief that fear escaped my Christian walk.

Here is where the book convicted me personally. Fear can turn us into control freaks. "Do something about the storm! Fix it or...or...or else!" Fear, at its center, is a perceived loss of control. When life spins wildly, we grab for a component of life we can manage: our diet, the tidiness of a house, the armrest of a plane, or, in many cases, people. The more insecure we feel, the meaner we become. Fear releases the tyrant within. This is when I grabbed my highlighter and apologized to my friends. I am going to have to gift a used book.

Max Lucado reminded me just how important it is to journal God moments. Trials and fear dull our miracle memory. It makes us forget what Jesus has done and how good God is. The fear-filled cannot love deeply. Love is risky. They cannot give to the poor. Benevolence has no guarantee of return. The fear-filled cannot dream wildly. What if their dreams sputter and fall from the sky? The worship of safety emasculates greatness. No wonder Jesus wages such a war against fear.

Hysteria is not from God. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear" (2 Tim 1:7).

Many of us struggle with the fear we don't matter. We struggle with not being good enough. "If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things" (1 John 3:20). When you feel unforgiven, evict the feelings. Emotions don't get a vote. Go back to Scripture. God's Word holds rank over self-criticism and self-doubt.

You can dedicate a decade of anxious thoughts to the brevity of life and not extend it by one minute.

The Inevitable

Several years ago I attended a bible study on depression by Dr. Wickert in Lafayette. I took detailed notes and will share them with you sometime in the future. Much of what he said was very enlightening to me, essentially stating that we haven't a clue scientifically what causes depression and just keep throwing solutions at it which seem to offer only temporary relief. He discussed depression principles from the bible and how we can use the Word of God to find relief. I had a real eye opening moment when he discussed how Cain completely lost touch with reality just prior to his suicide. He stretched the truth and was impulsive.

Anyway, one of the class members was exceptionally angry with his teachings and the second week brought her family to support her convictions, that her depression and psychological drama has nothing what-so-ever to do with her faith or the Word of God, and her relationship could not in itself be the solution. (Don't misunderstand - he did not preach that a depression is evidence of a poor relationship or little faith, but instead those that suffer with depression can use their faith and strengthen their relationship to overcome the battle.) She became very loud and angry, almost hostile, attacking Dr. Wickert and he really handled it very professionally and confident. I felt as if her passion was the storm of awakening, the epiphany she hadn't quite realized.

I can think of several other times I have witnessed this sort of hostility with revelation in my life. After becoming a Christian myself, I was very desperate to save my mother's life from hell and primarily because I felt she lived with such guilt and needed relief. I prayed earnestly for her, maybe more than anyone else in my life sense. The more I prayed, the more she pushed me away. I have no doubt I was trying to be the Holy Spirit for her and made the Lord's work more challenging. She eventually had enough of my saving efforts and became quite hostile with me. This is part of the reason we named our first son Noah, because we felt so very alone in our walk with Christ, within our family. Soon after sharing her utter contempt with me, my mom called and invited us to her baptism. I can't remember who it was that she felt led her to church and inspired her to build a relationship with Christ, but it sure wasn't me. I was however over-whelmed with joy and relief, and was also provided a glimpse of how it felt when Christ himself was rejected by his own family and friends. I realized that this too was a storm before the revelation and often, people have to walk through this to come through and if I am going to assist in creating the storm, then I am occasionally going to be hit by its thunder and lightening.

One of my more recent posts, "Offending Someone," in which I share all the many ways a few clients of mine grossly cross the boundaries, was read by one of its inspirations. She shared many flavorful comments in a lengthy e-mail with me, which I surprisingly spent no time stressing over, because she essentially proved my point in her response. She has lost all touch with reality and clearly has no common sense regarding the provider/client relationship. As I shared in the post however, I allowed her to cross these boundaries and created the inevitable destruction of our relationship. Her response too, made clear, that my post had a profound impact on her. She clearly had her mind opened to a different perspective...which she clearly didn't welcome at the time. Maybe her relationship with her next midwife will be more fruitful for her because of this experience.

This is true with all the above situations and isn't this my ultimate goal...to live my life so that I can cause others to think about their own? Conviction can be tough. How they respond to the message, whether in humility or in grace, is not about me at all. Substance and repeated ideas is important to be discernible of, but over overwhelmingly these have been specific circumstances which I spent way too much time fretting over and taking too much responsibility for. The Lord again, has offered me peace.